Here's a report from my meditation experiences on my most recent retreat. I'm not sure if I've explained before why I post the details of my inner life on the internet for all to see. So, first let me explain the reasoning and then on to the report. The thing about meditation that I never understood before I actually did it is that it is real. There is a lot that goes on in the mind that has significant consequences on one's experience of life – much more than most people realize. When I mentioned my retreat to a friend recently, he joked: “My meditation is watching TV.” It was a good joke, and I laughed, but I was also reminded of what I used to think meditation was. I'm not sure what I thought it was, but I didn't understand why anyone prefer such an activity over something as enjoyable as watching TV.
However, the thing about the inner workings of meditation is that no one else knows what's going on if you don't talk about it. It's called the inner world because it is inaccessible to other people without the aid of descriptions and explanations straight from the person's mouth. So, in the spirit of understanding the nature of subjective experience, I like to share my experience and I like to hear about the experiences of others. It may be that someday the inner world is no longer shrouded in mystery and is as well known to humanity as the rest of the natural world.
So, let me begin. My memory is already fading, but I recall that for the first couple of days my mind was settling down significantly. I had a number of sits where I would walk to the hall thinking “I have no idea what's going to happen, and I don't even think I know what to do.” And, then I would sit, and my attention would go the breath, and I would become very very calm. By the end of the sit, I was quite at peace.
This deepening of concentration was a theme at different points through the retreat. At one point, I hit a stage which the mind was so naturally with the breath that it would've taken effort to place the mind elsewhere. The way I would describe it is that applied and sustained effort dropped away and the mind just stayed put. The Buddha talked about “applied and sustained effort,” but I don't know if he meant the same thing as me. I'm using the words just in a literal sense of applying and sustaining effort.
Also worth noting were a few moments interspersed throughout the retreat where thinking really started to drop away. I was quite surprised by such an experience, because it was so different to be aware in a way where thoughts aren't arising. All that was there were sensations, arising and passing. However, these no-thought moments were very brief (like maybe a second). I remembered back to an event that occurred a couple of years ago in which I woke up from a dream to find myself in a very deep thoughtless state of consciousness and this lead to an instant reaction of fear. In that moment, it was a great fear that I didn't exist. So, I take it as a good sign of improvement that I can now access a similar state without any averse reactions.
Turning the mind toward insight, I found my mind being blown quite a few times throughout the retreat. There were many moments of “no way! Whaaa??!,” as I discovered more and more layers of experience which had been shrouded in delusion. I may say that things certainly were not the way I thought they were. Over and over again. Yet, I set my mind to push onward and keep practicing through every precious moment of the retreat.
There were times during which the practice was revealed to me with stunning clarity, and it all seemed so simple. All that was needed was to just remain aware of what's happening right now. It seemed so simple. As attention grew more and more attuned to the direct and ever changing experience of right now, things began to synchronize and settle. As the mind began to cloud again, and things became unknown and confusing, there was faith to keep going just being aware of the moment as it arises and as it passes. And, with time, these chunks of unknown experience would also begin to dissolve and break apart, bringing insight and understanding.I have often thought of there being a moment in the retreat at which time I can say to myself: “this was worth the money.” Of course, with this retreat, and all Goenka retreats, there is no money to pay, so it is purely a metaphorical expression. What it means to me is that all of the time, effort, and expenses of every kind were worth it for the benefit of the insights I gained here. Usually, I experience this early on in the retreat, and then get several more days of bonus value after that. This high return on investment may explain why I keep going back for more. During this retreat, I remember some profound insights occurred on day 4 that made it all worthwhile for me. I thought to myself, “this was worth the money.” Then, a number of times on the days to come, I got exponentially more out of the retreat than just those piddly first four days.
It is hard to explain what I got, however. The best I can say is that when I have been walking around for years inside a very deeply embedded delusion or illusion, and then all of a sudden it is seen for what it really is.... these can be the kinds of things that could take years, decades or lifetimes to come across without the tool of meditation.
I understand if this is vague and I don't have any more specifics, but I think I can muster a simple example of what I'm talking about by delusion. Let's say there is a thought which says “I want xyz. Therefore, I want to try to get xyz in the future.” This thought may be so deeply embedded into the background of experience that I never notice that it is a thought. Instead, I think that I actually want xyz, and that I'm actually just going to try to get it. This doesn't seem like a thought; it seems like reality. Then, one day on retreat, perhaps I see the thought arise and pass, like a cloud in the sky. It is empty, it is conditioned, it is just a transitory wave across my mind. It has no reality. The thought vibration of this present moment, this is the reality. “Right now there is thinking.” This is the reality, and, in my understanding, this is awakening. It's a marvelous process.
As I neared day 9, my attention became a bit tumultuous and filled again with thoughts of the future. Nonetheless, I kept at the practice until the very last minute of the last meditation hour while on retreat. I continued to break new ground. Even as we began to speak to others I was gaining valuable insights and maturing in my understanding of being human.
Through it all, I still feel a bit dumbfounded and amazed. I feel like such a beginner and so clueless about the whole thing. I am ready to keep going.
