Update

As you may notice, I've updated the look of my blog to stay current with the changes in my life. Rather than explain all the reasons and philosophies behind the change, I'll just leave it to be discovered by those who may be reading and following along, and I'll leave this post as history of what came and went.

As my life continues to change, I'm looking around at this world I live in with new eyes. I'm looking with fascination and marvel at this very physical universe.

In this world, there are trees. There are squirrels. There are people. There is a bright blue sky which spans out into the greatest depths of infinite space. There is the light of the sun which trickles down through leaves, shutters, and shades to reach this fantastic sense organ called the eye.

There is a human being seeing, thinking, and typing. There are the molecules of organic matter composing an intricate and richly layered organism of cells, tissues, and organs. There is this whole business called being alive.

Why is it that a Human Being, living in this verdant paradise still lives with anger and aggresion? Why is it that a Human Being lives with fear, stress, and anxiety? Why the violence? Why the corruption? Why the sorrow? This is what we call the human condition.

Here I am, alive in this moment. And here is a fresh start.

Going Beyond Beauty

I woke up this morning, feeling fresh, well rested. I looked across the room to the blue curtain hanging by the brown wooden window frame. The contrast of bright blue on woody brown was stunning and I decided to linger with my attention there for a minute. As I continued to enjoy this vivid display of color, a sense of beauty arose in me.

"That's beautiful," I thought to myself, while looking at this vivid blue on brown arrangement of light.

"Ah, beauty!" I thought to myself next. I had been eagerly awaiting a chance to explore this beauty thing in greater depth. What is this thing we call beautiful? I investigated inwardly with an attentive curiousity. Ah, yes... beauty is a feeling, an emotion!

It sounds strange even writing it now, but in the moment it's so clear. Beauty is my enjoyment of my concept about the show of light I was watching. It's a sorta inward vibing with myself and my own thought "this is beautiful." Because I have concieved that I'm observing a "beautiful thing," I can experience a sorta inward pleasure with myself. Because "I" am witnessing the beauty, and because "I" am a part of this beauty - I get a warm pleasure inside. In essence, the beauty wouldn't even exist if not for "me!" and what a wonderful boost this is for "me."

"Ah, yes... this is what I've been calling "beauty." What a waste! Let me throw that out," I thought next. The absurdity of it required no further investigation. "Now, let me see what this experience actually is," I continued with the inquiry. What is this blue and brown? What is this seeing? What are these sensations in my eyeballs which are percieving color - vibrant, active, radiating.

I continued to look at the colors with the directness of my actual eyes. Abandoning the safe space behind the eyes where I could sit and observe - the safe space where "I" still exist. I lept forward, into the colors themselves, into my eyeballs, into the sensations. The colors were the sensations, the curtains were the colors, my eyes were the sensing. The sensing was active. These colors were not dead, lifeless, inert. These colors were now! These colors, the actual experience, was actually happening. Light entering eyeballs, a selection of wavelengths percieved by the sensitive apparatus of the visual organ. Each wavelength unique and distinct by it's very factual existence. The sensing was the most intimate and direct contact with these already existant colors.

Delight would be a small understatement. Pleasure fits well. What a joy these colors were. The joy was the sensing - there was no gap. No sensing first and then enjoying. The sensing was the enjoying. Sensuosness. The pure pleasure of unadulterated sensing. Actual color, actual light.

It was clear that I had left the territory known as the beautiful and was now traveling in a new landscape. This landscape was completely unknown as it's existence was only in the present moment. There was no way to have been there before, thus no way to have known it previously.

What was "beauty" had now opened up into a new world of sight and seeing. Beauty had fallen by the wayside. Things still held some resemblence to that old image of beauty. The experience was still fascinating, scintillating, vibrant, stunning, wondrous, active and dynamic. The pleasure of it had only increased if anything. But, beautiful? A far cry. Such a personal and self-referential adjective couldn't possibly describe this experience which was so much more than "I" could ever be.

Ah... time passed and I sat down thinking, "maybe I should write about that experience." I began to reflect on it (as I'm also reflecting on it now while typing.)

Reflecting thus, "going beyond beauty. What a wonderful experience," I began again to tune into my experience. This time I sat at my computer, music playing, soft light coming in through the blinds.

"Ah, yes. It's still here." *IT* being the actual universe as experienced through the sense organs. It is still here indeed! Ha!

I hear the music and once again take the leap. The leap into the sensations themselves, free from my self. The music surrounds me, it approaches from every angle, as I sit in the music itself - In the hearing, at the exact point of dynamic contact. The colors blend with sound, as it all becomes just raw sensation. This time the pleasure nears overwhelm, and literally knocks the breath out of me. I recoil to catch my breath. Physical waves of pleasure move through the entirety of my body.

This is new.

I've never ventured this far out before - this far beyond "the beautiful."

Habitual reactions come up. Mostly fear. "Oh, this is too much," and "oh, I can't take this," and "I can't handle this," and "this isn't good," etc.

I pause and consider the facts: Well, certainly I wouldn't live very long if I'm not breathing, so catching my breath is a sound idea. But, having the breath knocked out of me is just a startle response to the rather surprising stimuli of such intense pleasure. There's nothing about the pleasure itself that is overwhelming. Ok, excuse diverted.

I continued the inquiry. "Could I live there forever?" And the next fear became clear: "Ah... but it will consume all of me. Like a black hole, it will absorb me completely." And for some reason this seems "scary"? The scariness of it evades me at this moment. A flurry of other reactions and resistance shows it's head - all of it unfounded in any sort of sensibility.

It's like a tin can called "beauty" was sitting on my shelf and I naively decided to open it. "Experience" popped out, and now there's no getting it back in. In fact, I'm not sure I can even find the can anymore.

I sit, continuing to type. Yes, there is still work to do. This isn't, at all, the end of the journey, but the end of this little tale. A tale which continues on as this moment, "this only moment of being alive."

"Trees and Vines..." - Ajahn Chah

"Trees and Vines can reveal the nature of reality to us. With wisdom there is no need to question anyone, no need to study. We can learn everything from Nature to be enlightened."

- Ajahn Chah
(quote painted on wood and nestled trail-side in the hills at Abhayagiri Monastery)

Spirit Rock, Abhayagiri, and California Living

I've been back in the US for a few days now, but it seems like I've already done a lot! I visited with family and friends, and saw a lot of the ol' hometown sights around the Bay Area. I took a nice hike out to the ocean with my dad too. The beard has been quite a centerpiece of conversation, but it's days are numbered (my friend Whit has some clippers here in SF)

So, as the wheels of time turn, opportunities are opening up in front of me once again. I'm still leaving my plans very open-ended, with an eye toward what will continue to deepen this process of unfolding that's going on within me. But, I also would like to check out some of the great practice spots here in California - since I'm here. Someone asked if I had "wanderlust," as I seem to be moving around a lot. Actually, I'd prefer to stay settled for maybe 6 months or a year or two. At the risk of sounding overly practical, what I'm really looking for is a place where I can get the most meditation for the longest amount of time at the lowest cost - simple economics. I thought that having good instruction and teachings would be important, but after the last few months, I realize that it's not totally essential for me, though definitely welcome. Quiet solitude is pretty essential though.

Well, I went by Spirit Rock this morning and saw the grounds, and even said "Hi" to Jack Kornfield (he said "Hi" back, and then went on his way). They have a stipend residential work position open that looks tempting, and I'll probably put in my resume just to see if I get a nibble. Spirit Rock is absolutely stunning! It's probably about as big as the Sattal Ashram, with excellent quiet nature, but less Indian tourists and chaos. Plus, it's actually used solely for Dharma practice (as the Sattal ashram was not). Definitely a 5 star retreat center, and it would be a beautiful place to live! Almost too beautiful!

Also, I ran into a Dharma friend who I've been corresponding with who is heading up to Abhayagiri monastery in Northern California in a couple weeks. I've been wanting to get up there as I've had a number of friends tell me about it now. But, I didn't know how I'd find a ride. F-A-T-E... wouldn't you know it? I get offered for a ride as soon as I ask. It's like magic. Since it's a monastery, I suppose there's always the off chance that I'll shave my head and won't come out. But, at any rate, it will be a wonderful opportunity.

I also would like to get down to Wat Metta in Southern California, and the new Goenka center near Sebastapol, and of course back to the North Fork Center to see the pagoda that's being built there too! There's a lot of Dharma in this region of the world, too much to even list it all here. Karma is good to me!

In addition, I'll be emptying my storage unit soon, so this all should keep me busy for a little while.

People are telling me that I seem pretty much like the same Daniel. I don't really feel the same (and as a wonderful monk in Korea once told me: "not a moment goes by that the mountain doesn't change.") But, I think I get the sentiment.

- Still Daniel

How to Change Your Life with a Backpack and an Airplane Ticket

Only a few hours left before I head to the airport, slug through security, find my little seat on a crowded plane, and then take to the air for a long journey across the globe.

If you read the title of this post and were hoping for some kind of how-to guide, well here it is in three simple, easy, marketable, friendly steps:

Buy a plane ticket.
Pack everything you have into a backpack.
Go.

Change your life - it's that simple.

Cushion Report: Meditation Payday!

"In the hard meditations you build up your strength, which creates the momentum for peace. Then when there is enough credit, the mind goes into a good meditation, and it is a payday."
- Ajahn Brahm

I've been reading the words of the Australian monk, Ajahn Brahm, lately. He uses the simile of the payday and basically says that you'd be crazy to go to work and expect every day to be payday, you'd be even crazier to go to work and expect every moment to be a payday. Yet, what a temptation it is to want every moment of meditation to be paying big returns.

Well, it just so happens that I have just arisen from something of a payday meditation, and I decided to write about it before my memory fades.

I woke up feeling angry and hurt about my Big Issue #3 (which used to be my Big Issue #1 about a month ago - I'll spare you the details.) As is my custom, I greeted it with a "hello, Big Issue #3," and I resolved to work on it later today, but first... meditation.

Already, this was a triumph because I can often be so swamped by the Big Issues in my life that I roll in thoughts and emotions for a while without a moment's peace. But instead, I put it aside and let it go. Big win. And, as I sat down and began my meditation, I was pleasantly surprised to find how flexible was the quality of my mind to let it all go.

I decided to work with the breath (anapanasati), since this is what I'd been reading about most recently.

About 15 minutes in, I started to notice a very subtle but important distinction about the quality of my awareness. I noticed that there was a way I could simply "know" the breath directly, and there was also a way I could effort to "concentrate" on the breath. The knowing was just like this: "The breath is here. There it is. I don't have to do anything. It's right there. And, I know it because there it is." The efforting was like this: "ok, let me concentrate. Focus. THIS is the breath. STAY with it..."

I also noticed that although the mind was wandering about somewhat for these first 15 minutes, there was also a quieter stillness that was underneath the inner dialogue. And, in that stillness was the breath, just continuing on.

In seeing all this, I really got a direct hit of the art of letting go. I witnessed that what is often described as "concentrating on the breath," is really more of a "letting go into the breath" and into the silence and stillness. And with that, I stopped the efforting.

For the next 15 minutes, I simply stayed with the breath in effortlessness. The mind would wander here and there, or it would begin to effort again, but I would just come back to that direct knowing of the breath.

After about 30 minutes of meditation, the breath began to become more and more subtle, and I was experience more and more of the small details. I was with the breath more continuously. And, it became more and more peaceful and quiet.

Then, the piti-sukha came (the bliss, the joy, the happiness). I felt it come over my face and chest in tingles, and a deeper bliss started to evolve from my first chakra. For a while, bliss has been a real sticking point for me that I've started to explore (which is why I got the book from Ajahn Brahm in the first place). I had all sorts of beliefs and hangups about bliss that were not helping me and I've been starting to shed them. And, slowly over the last few months I've been coming to terms with my love-hate-fear-guilt-misunderstanding relationship with bliss. So, I've given the instructions to command central (in my mind) that when bliss comes: remain calm, remain equanimous, allow it, let go, and let it be. These instructions have been helpful, though the opportunities for application have been few and far between.

So, my first thought was just a thought of recognition. "Oh... bliss." Then, my next thought was, "this is ok, just let it be." Soon after that, I realized that this was quite uncommon for my daily meditations, that this was something more likely to occur on retreat. Hence the recognition: "payday!"

It lasted probably for about a minute before all my habitual reactions jumped in. "Oh, this is scary." "Oh this is wild." "Oh, this is so wonderful." "Oh, I shouldn't be thinking about it, I should keep practicing." "Oh, I'm not letting it be. LET IT BE, damn it!" "Oh, that's not letting it be. I'm not very good at this." "Oh crap, it's gone."

This little dialogue wasn't anything new, although it was a bit quieter this time than it's been in the past. What was cool is that for the next 30 minutes I kept practicing and working with all this aftermath. I really put my attention on the "keep practicing" voice itself and noticed it to be the same voice as the "efforting" I mentioned above - in fact, the voice that says "keep practicing" is a big OBSTACLE to the practice itself! Ha! I realized that I wasn't letting go into my experience, but I was trying to control and overcome it... again. And, I recognized that letting go would mean letting go into the entire storm of reactions that arose from those moments of bliss.

So, I started to let go again. And, then... all of a sudden... the alarm went off, and my hour was finished. Ha! I was so peaceful, so tranquil, so calm, that I didn't even want to move or break my posture to turn the alarm off. The entire meditation passed so easily and effortlessly through the hour. And, I hardly felt attached to it at all, either.

So, this is what I would call a payday meditation. What I'm taking away from it is the deeper realization of the nature of letting go. And, the deeper realization of what it means to observe the breath without any observer. I'm sure there will be many more deeper cuts into both of those insights in due time.

Hopefully, in the future I can write a description of one of my "strength building" meditations too. They can't all be paydays, and they aren't either!

The Empty Vessel

"If your mind is empty, it is always ready for anything"
- Shunryu Suzuki Roshi

Here lies an empty blog. Who knows what will fill it up? Like the empty vessel of my mind, I never know what will pop up next. And as I empty my mind onto the pages of this blog in posts to come, I only hope that there will be a reader out there in internet land who will enjoy my efforts.

The photos will be, for the most part, as seen from my own camera lens, and the words from my own finger tips. I wish I could also take credit for whatever intelligence, wisdom, or humor may arise. But really, I think I'm probably just getting lucky.

I always get nervous about beginning something new. Perhaps because I imagine that there might be some hairy growling monsters dressed in rags who will read this and then come and grab me with their claws and eat me alive while making lots of slurrping sounds and giggling. That would be a most unfortunate result of such a simple internet venture - but at this point, it's just a risk I'm going to have to take.

If you find yourself getting bored or lost, or you just don't want to read anymore, then I'll offer you now a short summary of everything I will ever write. Here it goes: I love you; I'm traveling; I like to meditate; I hope you're happy; Human Beings are weird; Be well.

“There is no moment of delight in any pilgrimage like the beginning of it.” – Charles Dudley Warner