Quebec Vipassana Center - Dhamma Suttama

Last winter there was a cold streak in February. It was cold. It was very cold. So, of course, I spent my time off work traveling north into Canada for a meditation retreat. The center is located between Ottawa and Montreal. The temperature hit 40 degrees below zero, Farenheit (though they used Celsius up there). I fulfilled my lifelong dream of having icicles grow from my beard.

The retreat was profound, as always, and I had so much delight in resting into that cold, snowy, pillowy paradise of the mind. Around day 8 or 9, I developed a high fever and strong cold. It was definitely the sickest I've ever been on retreat. It was a bit frustrating as my concentration diminished, and yet it was also very cool to observe the sensations of illness arising and passing within the framework of this body.

Illness is, of course, is one of the Buddhist foundations of human suffering (along with old age and death). These bodies that we have are so exposed to our environment that other creatures can come inside and live within our bodies. Sometimes such a "bug" makes us sick as the cellular defenses kick in. All of this arises and passes, arises and passes. What a joy to bare witness! What liberation comes from the equanimous mind.

I played in the snow, and sat plopped down in the fresh powdery dumps. Each day I took walks in the woods, allowing the stinging chill of the air to touch my lungs and wake me up to life.

The accommodations were quite enjoyable (and warm on the inside). The center has a unique quality in that the men and women are completely segregated throughout the entire meditation retreat. There are even two separate meditation halls. I found this to be a diminishment of the meditation experience. I understand that mixed gender meditations can be a distraction for many, but I think the added presence of having more meditators sharing a common space is far greater than whatever distractions they meant to avoid. It was a strange the way I knew the women were on retreat also, yet I could barely feel their presence.

I had so much fun meeting all of the french speakers as well. Dhamma knows no boundaries when it comes to language. They had delightful accents, and everyone looked so adorable wearing huge parkas and thick boots.

It was a wonderful retreat. Thank you Dhamma Suttama!

"Through the sky blow many different winds,
from east and west, from north and south,
dust-laden and dustless, cold as well as hot,
fierce gales and gentle breezes -- many winds blow.
In the same way, in this body, sensations arise,
pleasant, unpleasant, and neutral."

- Pathama-akasa sutta, SN 1.260

Retreat at Kaufman, Texas Dhamma Center

I went on retreat last April (2015) at the Kaufman center in Texas. It's been so long now since the retreat that I have forgotten a lot of the details, but I still wanted to share the photos. It is a beautiful center, and I had my own private room with a bathroom (many of the rooms at the center are singles like this).

I took nice walks along the trails, but I remember the grass had my allergies going the whole time. The wild bunny rabbits were so cute as they bounced around in the grass. The neighbor's cows also came by for a visit now and then.

The center has a pagoda as well, and I made use of it mostly in the mornings. I love getting up in the stillness of a quiet morning and walking to the pagoda. So much stillness, both inside and out.

The community at this center seemed unique. There were many younger people involved there, and so much metta. At the end of the retreat, they made sure that everybody had a ride to where they needed to go, and if people couldn't find a ride, local people would just shuttle people out of the kindness in their hearts.

Oh, and I also made a lot of friends on the retreat. One of them was a spectacular poet named Buddy Wakefield. He and I went to the airport together after the retreat and got to spend a few hours basking in dhamma and sharing wonderful insights while we waited for our flights. He was clearly so in touch with his inner world and so wonderful at articulating it too.

I remember that I said a phrase which he liked, and then he wrote it down on a piece of paper. I guess that's what a writer does, constantly scribble notes here and there as inspiration comes. Perhaps I could do more of that too.

The phrase he scribbled was this:


"The happiness beyond the conditions of the world."

May you all taste such happiness.

 

Retreat at Kelseyville Center - NCVC

I recently sat a course at the new Goenka center in Kelseyville, CA.  It was a wonderful place for a retreat.  It's located about 20 minutes from Harbin Hot Springs, and about 2-3 hours north of San Francisco. 

It's a smaller center than the North Fork center.  The smaller size makes things much easier, logistically.  The line for lunch isn't as long, and it isn't too crowded.  I saw some amazing wildlife: blue-tailed skink, a family of wild turkey, lots of deer, and more.

The walking trails go up the hill behind the meditation hall, so you can get quite a workout going up and down the hill.  It offers a tranquil forest setting, which is great for a break from sitting.  I stayed in a tent at the top of the hill, and the tent spaces were very nice. They were farther from the street, and somewhat secluded.  I loved seeing the stars at night through the mesh ceiling of my tent. 

I don't know what the indoor accommodations were like, but I saw quite a few dorms.  I don't think they have very many single rooms, so be prepared to share your space.  The showers were clean and plentiful. 

I had a great time, and most likely I will be back again.

10-Day Vipassana Christmas Course (Occidental, CA)

One Hundred Forty Nine Female Meditators; Ninety Seven Male Meditators; Twenty One Kitchen Staff; Seven Course Managers; Four Assistant Teachers; One Big Video Screen.

The photo to the left doesn't quite capture the magnitude of a hall seating more than 250 meditators. So, let me try to put it into words - messy, but well disciplined - crowded but cooperative - long lines, but loud laughter too - snoring dormitories, but shared experience. Add to this the extra ingredient of a special once a year Christmas holiday-time course to bring people together and make for a thriving 10 day community in the woods of Occidental.

For anyone thinking of attending this course, which has a been ongoing now for several years, I will share some highlights of this year's experience.

The course ended this morning, and I'm typing this now on a foggy winter day, but the weather was sunny and bright for most of the course. There was not a drop of rain this year. This probably made the shoe-room more friendly (less muddy) when entering the hall for both group sits and meals. Yes, the dining hall and meditation hall were in the same building! A office cubicle type partition separated the two and a white cloth separated the women's dining hall from the men's.

Accommodations were tight; women were often left in the bathroom line while the next group sit had already begun. Cushions were close in the hall. Walking the dining room with a full tray of vipassana food was like a dance to avoid bumping one another. The kitchen staff worked nearly non stop through the course keeping a constant load of clean dishes ready for use.

The dormitories had six bunk beds, so provided space for twelve meditators. This made for wonderful antics such as the battle to control the heater and the three windows. Every night, the room temperature was different as we slept. (Note that this was in spite of the posted sign stating: Please ask a manager to adjust the heat). The first few nights I woke up in a hot sweat. But, since I probably not the only one, somebody opened a window and soon it was more like the 40 degree weather outside.

Each person had a distinctive way of either slamming the door with a bang or slowly guiding it closed with a whisper. A number of my dorm-mates were sleep talkers which provided amusement for the insomniacs. I suppose it could have been really bad, but I actually enjoyed sharing in such an intimate experience with them all.

There were not very long walking paths, but enough to get the heart pumping if you wanted to. The food was delicious, as usual, following similar recipes to the North Fork vipassana center.

Very few people left the course before the end, which seemed to be a good sign. All together it didn't have the cushy luxury of the North Fork center, but provided a fun setting for a special holiday. Christmas was on Day six, and I could not think of a better way to spend it.

Perhaps the best part is that when the course was over, we were able to break all the rules (since we were no longer on official vipassana course land). This meant that on Day 11, we gave hugs goodbye, and one guy played his melodious Indian raga flute for us all. Physical touch and music of any kind are always prohibited at course centers. I like breaking rules, especially with flute music in the forest on a cold foggy morning.

Back To The Cushion

Well, after a lot of fun with family, friends, and close companions during the holidays... I'm now returning to the cushion for some more meditation. Two things are on my agenda. First, I've signed up for another Goenka retreat at the North Fork Vipassana Center in early February. It's been a while since I've been on formal retreat, so this should be fun! And Second, I've started working with a new meditation teacher, Kenneth Folk. He really seems to fit for where I'm at and what my goals are right now. I'm finding it much easier to understand the technique with his guidance and to really know exactly what I'm doing and how to best use my time.

So, I'm back on the cushion and practicing with a gusto. I will probably post more soon on how things progress.

Wonderful

My Breakthrough Books (chronological order)

I thought for fun, I'd write a list of those books and teachers who have had huge impacts in my life and my continuing path of personal awakening. I will try to get all the big ones in there, but may miss a few. I'm sure the most important will make it on the list. I don't necessarily recommend any of these anymore, as it seems like it's as much a matter of timing as anything. They were perfect for me, where I was, at the time. I hope this doesn't come off as too much narcissistic reminiscing, but I just wanted to share these resources out of gratitude.


1985 (?)
Aikido Class
I remember bowing to the Sensei and wearing cool clothes. I loved (and still love) the Japanese aesthetic. I don't think I had any idea what I was doing, however, but the drop falls really helped me from breaking bones later when I got into skateboarding. And, I think the sense of flowing with life has stayed with me ever since.

1983-1988 (?)
Nueva Learning Center
I was blessed to go to this ahead-of-its-time school as a kid. I can't even imagine my life without it.

1998
Way of The Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman
I didn't read that many books back in those days, but this one was recommended to me by my mom, and was my first glimpse at a possible spiritual life that wasn't confined by the likes of Christianity or Science.

1999
The Tao of Physics, by Fritjof Capra
This was my first introduction to Eastern philosophy that was presented in a way that I was actually interested. (My first time hearing the Dharma.) I was simultaneously studying quantum physics at UC Berkeley, falling deeply deeply in love, and having the time of my life - the synchronicity was unbelievable and changed the entire course of my life. I think, after reading it, I called my sister and told her that I was a Buddha (psychotic delusions are always the mark of a really good book - he he). After this, I read a vast number of books from 1999 on in many different subjects that would be way too long a list to put here. None of them stand out now as particular highlights, though each one had a piece of the puzzle.

2003
10 Day Retreat, Suan Mokh, Thailand
My first real taste of silent meditation. I got into some very peaceful states, but really had no idea what these monks were going on about, with their Jhanas and Wheels of dependent origination and whatnot.

Gestalt Therapy, by Frederick S. Perls
I learned how to yell at pillows! No, actually, I just read the book (didn't actually do any therapy per se.) The book was my inspiration to stop being shy and start talking to real people in the real world (though it was something of a bumpy ride at first).

2004
Without Embarrasment (link requires parental supervision), by Mike Pilinski
It's totally embarrassing to mention this book here (if you click the link, you'll see what I mean - but don't click it at work). Ha! I mean, it's one of the cheeziest books out there, and I wouldn't really recommend it. But, out of all the dating books that I read from 2004-2006 or so, this one still stands out in my mind the most (thanks Mike!). The basic thing I got from it was to start questioning my shame. Like, I would discover a self-judgement: "I'm bad if I do xyz..." and then question "am I really bad?" It sounds simple, but it had a Profound Impact!

2007
The Authentic Man Program
I don't really know what they did, or if it really helped at all, but I do know it re-ignited the flame of my inner journey. I'm sure Decker would consider this success enough.

2008
10 Day Vipassana Course in the tradition of Sayagyi U Ba Khin and S.N. Goenka
Recommended to me by Decker and Bryan from The Authentic Man Program, my first course at the California Vipassana Center dropped a bomb on my psyche that's still sending shock waves through the Earth's crust. This really re-ignited the inner journey which started with Tao of Physics in 1999, and this time the lid blew off.

The Point of Existence by A.H. Almaas
What Goenka provided in practice, Almaas delivered in theory. For the very very very first time in my entire life, I actually considered that there might be an Absolute Truth (albeit beyond any explanation) and that therefore there might actually be... that's right... a point of existence. Not at all what I thought it'd be though. I think the meticulousness and scientific scrutiny with which the Diamond Mind books are presented actually gave me for the first time some faith that this stuff was real, and that it was well-traveled territory, and that although it's subjective and hard to describe, it is no less available for scientific discovery as any other landscape in existence. I'm not sure I would've gone on if not for this book.

Adyashanti
I found Adyashanti after first recommendation from my friend Greg, and then also from Damian (thanks guys). I really liked his down to earth descriptions of what it may mean to live the enlightened life. Again, it gave me a sense that there really was something going on here, and that it was possible.

2009
The Way to Ultimate Calm by Webu Sayadaw
The Vimuttimagga by The Arahant Upatissa
During my stay at the California Vipassana Center, I read a number of Theravada Buddhist texts, these two stand out as my favorites for extremely direct and practical teachings about meditation. And, the six month stay at CVC was a breakthrough in itself, to say the least.

Mastering The Core Teachings Of The Buddha, by Daniel Ingram
This is a profound book which is direct and to the point.

2010
Christopher Titmuss
Open Dharma
All of this is on my blog in the archives, so you guys know the story. But, I have so much love for Christopher, Jaya, Jess, Ajay, and Zohar.

I hope maybe someone gets a fresh idea for reading options or retreat options from this. If your out there reading this, I'd love to hear any breakthrough books or teachers, etc. which came at the right time and left a meaningful impact in your life. You can add it to the comment section and keep the list going!

Goenka's Dehra Dun Vipassana Center

I almost punched a monk. Well, not really, but the thought did cross my mind.

If you've been reading this far, you may notice that India and I have had our differences. And, maybe I've been a little hard on Mother India at times. So, without the harshness (and without punching anyone) I'll take this opportunity to celebrate the differences before I leave tomorrow.

I'll start by commending the tolerant meditators who patiently waited in line for every meal. This is the first and only time I've actually seen people stand in line in India. Beautiful! The only two men who cut in line were the two Hindu Sadhus (monks). I understand that probably there is some tradition behind this behavior, but I wondered why a monk wouldn't want to wait like us common folk. Do they have a busy schedule to attend to?

The dish washing station, however, was typical Indian chaos and this is where the fateful run-in went down. Being the irreverent westerner that I am, I was practicing non-cooperation with the pushing and crowding at the dish station (ala Ghandi's Satiyagraha). Instead, I decided to calmly wait for an opening to appear. The monk wasn't having it, though, and finding my presence to be quite an obstruction, he broke the rule of "no physical contact at the center" to push me aside and jump on the next available sink. I will admit, I got angry, but that's just par for the course.

To quickly contrast with California, people there have been known to freak out even if they see people shaking hands or (god forbid) hugging at the center! In fact, on the last day of this retreat some of the younger Indian men gave each other so much physical contact that it would appear to most Westerners as quite sexual.

My first impression of center (officially named Dhamma Salila) was that of a labor camp. Rules were posted quite prominently, the assistant teacher was commanding with his instructions, and the bells were rung loudly. It looked quite oppressive and not in line with a path of compassion and wisdom. So, for the first two days I contemplated an escape. But, eventually I came to realize that no one would follow the rules well anyway and it was mostly just a show. My observation is that Indian's firstly are so saturated with spirituality already, and secondly they tend toward a sheep and shepherd mentality with their "guru," so this may explain the extra hoo-haa about discipline.

To add to the chaos, there was a group of young men attending who weren't really there of their own free will. The Suriya Foundation (manufacturers of light bulbs, etc.) apparently includes a Goenka course as a mandatory part of their job training program - No course, no job! This bathc of trainees had all recently completed graduate degrees and were in training for management positions. Their three month, 24 hour per day training program also included a seven day naturopathy fast! Once trained and secure in their job, these bachelors would then e ready to settle into an arranged marriage. It all seemed like a Eastern version of the 1950's American dream.

There were almost 30 of them and none seemed to have gotten much from the course. A few, at least, said that they might want to come back some day on their own to really give it a fair trial.

There was, thus, a large range in the level of seriousness of the students. At the end, people came to tell me, "you were 100% committed. I only gave maybe 70-80%," and other such comments. Who knew there was a ranking system? I actually was pretty disciplined, except with regards to lying down and sleeping. These two activities seem to help my meditation a lot.

Dhamma Salila was much smaller than the California Vipassana Center, but the California one is known as one of the largest and most comfy. In Dehra Dun, they do have the addition of a pagoda, and this got me excited. It's a building with many small (3ft. X 6ft.) cells for isolated meditation.

My cell in the pagoda faced in on the center cell which (I dare say) had a creepy resemblence to a peep show somehwere in San Francisco. The middle cell of the entire circular complex had a white thrown where I image only teachers are allowed to sit. I didn't have to put quarters in to see, though, I just looked through the small metal grated vent at the bottom of the door separating our two cells. Other than this, I found it to be quite a tranquil place, perhaps like a holding cell on the spaceship of some advanced alien race. It was painted white with a small dome at the top where light would shine in. The best time for the pagoda was about 4:30am-5:30am when it was pitch black, and very queit.

The food was good too, and rumored to be better than other Indian centers.

I couldn't imagine if this had been my first Goenka course. I think the Indian idosyncracies would have broken me. And, I don't know if I'll do another Goenka retreat in India.

Overall, the experience was just beautiful. Dhamma Salila is on the bank of a small river (which you must wade through on your way out,) and there are a number of mango trees and a tall banyan tree on the property. They run the courses on about $3 per person per day which is impressive. And, I should say that I met some incredibly friendly and delightful people - despite the cultural differences and the repetitive "What's your name? Where are you from? What do you do for a living?" May they all grow in Dhamma.

Bhavatu Sabba Mangalam. Be happy.

Cushion Report: Fifty Days of Wu Wei

I like this word "wu wei." It's from the Chinese and is translated as non-doing, non-action, or non-interference. Maybe I like it because it reminds me of when I was about 21 and I fell in love with the Tao Te Ching. I still think if I had to be stuck on an island with only one book, I might choose that one.

The Master does nothing,
yet nothing is left undone.
A foolish man is always doing,
Yet much remains to be done.

- Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching (38)

As this story unfolds, you may see the significance of this concept, but let's start at the start. I didn't journal everyday, but rather every 5 days for the first 40 days and not at all while on the Goenka retreat (as per Goenka's rules.) So, this will be quite a condensed version of the vast lifetime of experience that occurs in 50+ days.

Day 0: By great fortune, the retreat began for me almost instantly upon my arrival, and by that I mean the inner process began. Within a few hours of just being on the gorgeous property, I found myself in deep surrender. I willingly gave up all expectations for the next 40 days and decided to just let whatever happens be whatever happens. It was like there wasn't a single drop of desire in me that could have imposed my will on the next 40 days. Or put another way, it was like looking at the trees, and the mountains and saying "I'm yours!" Thus, the retreat was underway.

Day 5: "Experience. Everything is experience. No control, no forcing, letting go. Layer after layer. At times wild ride, at times quite plain. Just being, just sitting, just walking."

I had an image of those folks you hear about in the cornfields of the mid-west who form welcoming crews for the aliens. I was the welcoming crew, except not for aliens but for the inner experience of Truth.

Day 10: "Lots of 'dream work.' The dream-life boundary not so strong. Powerful dreams, lucid dreams, deep states of knowing consciousness. Still enjoying myself."

The crisp immediate presence with moment-to-moment experience would come and go. My slogan became: "Don't force it." (Thanks Damian!) and with that I was experience a lot of ease.

Day 10 was a transition day because some people only came for 10 days and some people were arriving for the next 30. This turbulence proved to be the start of a new chapter in the retreat.

Day 15: "Long five days - seems like long time since I last wrote... just kinda walking around, eating, etc. Same 'ol same 'ol. Thinking a lot too... Mind/thought/figuring out, etc. is becoming more and more obvious of it's uselessness. Like unemployed mind - going out of business. More and more just being with direct experience.
'But it doesn't make sense' <-- exactly!
Not much "makes sense" to my mind over the last few days, but I'm just kinda going with it... Feels like waking up, but can't say that I totally enjoy it. I'm still really liking this idea: "slowly and quietly, just going about my day, going about the practice." No frills - simplicity - the simplest thing - Life."

The quote above "slowly and quietly..." was from an observation Christopher Titmuss made about the monks and nuns who seemed to make the most progress while he was in the monastery.

At this point, I wasn't really going on any "meditation instructions" so to speak. My practice basically looked like how I described it above, that simple.

Day 20: "Too much to write. Days 10-18 were tough - got in some mind loops... More trust in experience - less dependence on mental constructs... only 3 weeks left. he he..."

This trust comment in my journal is significant. Much of the retreat (and even my daily practice now) seems to be around learning to trust the actuality of my being rather than the self I think of myself as through mental images. A quick digression here...

Reading A.H. Almaas, it seems that ego psychology now posits that one reason we may have such a large brain which creates mental constructs, self-other images, and ultimately an ego, may be for the survival of the infant. That is to say that for an infant to be separated from his/her mother might be quite difficult to bear, but if the child has an image of "mother" in mind then no loss is detected.

The individual, that is the self-image, is supported psychically by the presence of the mother's image; thus the child does not feel alone when physically separate from the mother. He feels supported by the presence of the mother's image, which gives him the sense of security which allows him to be away from her, and makes it safer to regard her as an autonomous person.
- A.H. Almaas, The Pearl Beyond Price

The only problem is that this sense of security is based on an image and thus either one will always live life as an image or approximation of themselves, or this deeper insecurity must be addressed.

So, that's my digression, for which you can forgive me if it was overly-intellectual and wordy. In reality, I really was just kinda walking around, sitting, eating, and lying in bed.

"Day 25:
Sublime
Being as is. Listening inside.
I'm starting to hear myself.
She's calling me home.
"Trust," she says.
Trust.
Everyday, the mind game grows weaker.
I know the way.
Just Be. Just Be. Just Be."

Seeing as how my journal entry is a poem, and how I refer to myself in the feminine, it may be self-explanatory that I was near the peak of my trippiness for this retreat. (And, it's not without a small amount of shyness that I reprint my poem here.)

Perhaps it's a good time to mention that there was a very feminine quality to my Open Dharma retreat. Perhaps due to the nature of the retreat and the instructors (which hopefully I can write about later.) My relationship with the feminine in me grew significantly. I'll also briefly mention that when I got to the Goenka retreat (the last 10 days), I noticed some movement back toward the masculine. But, this whole masculine-feminine topic is way too much to get into now.

Day 30: "It feels like the retreat just started. Day 26-29 were a bit rough and stormy. Today, I'm taking rest. Day off. Recuperate. A lot of stuff has happened, but none of it seems like such a big deal. Right now, I'm fantasizing about living in a Japanese Monastery... still here. Not doing much... I love just being. Loving wu wei. Loving love. Still such DEEP longings. Belly longings. So many wants/So many dreams and Desires."

Worth noting in this journal entry is the word "rest." Throughout the 40 days, I became much more proficient at resting, and I'm continuing the practice even today. At times, it's quite difficult.

Day 35: "35 days!... Heaven here. Saw a snake today, and the waterfall. Too hard to explain how this has all unfolded. What do I usually say to this journal?
Nothing Special?
Living my life - ups and downs.
Coming to know myself more and more.
Loving meditation, and realizing more that "being" is meditation is presence is my nature... so really loving meditation is loving myself, loving the truth of my being.
Some shitty days have come and gone. It's hard to say I'm "progressing," as life still feels quite ordinary. But, I am coming to know myself and to know the images which have played the role of "myself" for quite some time. Funny, I'm also realizing how this path really leads nowhere. Like, there's really nothing in it for me. The meaning of Life is Life itself (not me, he he...) Looks like a lot of work still ahead of me."

Day 40: "Wow... uh... what? That was forty days? ummm... huh? *Time*..?
I just talked with Ajay. I said it seems like both:
- I've arrived! I'm here!
- AND... keep going!
He said: "Yes, keep flying with both the feathers."
It's a weird feeling. Doesn't feel particularly special in any way - just feels "ok"... I'm leaving tomorrow, but so far, even "leaving" doesn't feel like "leaving." It just feels like change - more life.
... The silence is a little unnerving. And in fact, it makes sense why I spend my life trying to fill the silence - because there's really nothing there. There's really nothing when the noise fades away. Just Being. And, then, when the time is right, things come. And then they go. And that's just life. Just here. That's all."

And with that my 40 day retreat ended, but I saw no reason to stop there. I got on an overnight train to Dehra Dun and started a ten-day Goenka retreat the next day.

Days 42-44 (Day 0-2 for Goenka):
I didn't like the center much at all when I arrived. (I hope to write about it in another post. Mostly the issue was body pain.) And, I spent the first 2 days considering a run for the exit. I decided that I would leave on one and only one condition: kindness toward myself. No other excuse could make me budge, but if the strict ascetic discipline of the Goenka center even for one moment required me to compromise my own self-kindness, I would've left.

Happily, however, I learned by day 45 (day 3) that the harshness was mostly in appearance only. And by day 3, I was able to settle into , my own rhythm which, though still strict, was sufficiently loving for the needs of my mind and body.

Due to the extra restrictions of Goenka's courses, I had a more intense experience there than in Sattal. I found myself entering some rather altered states and to be honest, I don't even remember day 3-7 (day 45-49).

By around Day 50 (Day 8), thoughts of the outside world started to come in... checking email, blogging, etc. and I slowly transitioned to the end (Day 11/54)

No notes for my Goenka retreat, but it continued along the same threads. I did my best to follow Goenka's technique (observing bodily sensations), while still staying true to my maxim: "Don't force it." (thanks Damian). Mostly, I stayed within the peculiarities of his technique but had quite an interesting experience perhaps around Day 5 (day 47):
Quite spontaneously, my mind started meditating according to another technique from another tradition (Mahasi-style noting). I actually made an attempt to stop it as I wanted to stay in the spirit of "when in Goenkaland, do as the Goenkans." To my surprise, I was unable to stop it, and instead I surrendered to it and found myself having quite a profound meditative experience. But, this did beg the question: "Who's doing the meditating here?" Since it was occurring against my will, who's will was it?

This inquiry is still unfolding for me now in my daily practice, and I think it will continue to unfold as well.

At any rate, I've tried to give a fairly honest and open account here of my experience, but of course, it can only be partial. May it be of some value.

I'll defer to Ghandi to give this last point a better treatment:

I find myself confronted with a fresh problem. What things to mention and what to omit... If things that are relevant are omitted, truth will be dimmed. And it is difficult to decide straightaway what is relevant, when I am not even sure about the relevancy of writing this story... I know that I do not set down in this story all that I remember. Who can say how much I must give and how much omit in the interest of truth? And what would be the value in a court of law of the inadequate ex parte evidence being tendered by me of certain events of my life?...

I, therefore, wonder for a moment whether it might not be proper to stop writing... But so long as there is no prohibition from the voice within, I must continue writing.

- Ghandi, from his autobiography

Sadhu, Sadhu, Sadhu
Well said, Ghandi. Well said.

Six Months At The California Vipassana Center

If you don't know, I spent the last six months living at the California Vipassana Center, in North Fork, CA. A center devoted to the practice and instruction of Vipassana meditation as taught by S.N. Goenka. And, I wanted to share some of the photos, stories, thoughts, and reflections on my experience there.

When I first arrived, I really had no idea what to expect. I had been to the center about 4 times before, but only for a week or two at a time. What was I getting myself into? I gave up my home and my job and most of my stuff to follow a dream. But, what was the dream? Was I just out of my mind?

Well, whatever I had in store, I decided to really go for it 100% and really give it a fair trial. I shaved my head and my face clean just after I arrived, and then, yes... I let it grow... and grow... and grow. I was told I looked a little like one of my idols, Henry David Thoreau. (that's the kitchen behind me.)

Awareness and equanimity. That's the practice in a nutshell. Everyday, every second, every moment, remain aware, remain equanimous. Every day we meditate at least three hours.

The center runs 10 day courses for anyone who's willing to give up all their entertainments, phone, email, gadgets, comforts, and meditate 12 hours a day. The courses usually bring in about 75% new students, and 25% students who are returning for a second, third, or even eighteenth helping of silent meditation.

Over the six months I was there, I was a student for five 10-day courses (all silent, nothing but meditation). And, I served about six 10-day courses as well, mostly working in the kitchen serving up tasty vegetarian dishes to nourish and sustain my fellow meditators. I also worked on various projects around the campus, such as painting buildings, running a cable through a trench in the ground, shampooing carpets, installing hardwood floor, and more. The photo to the left is the barn I was staying in most of the time I was there.

This photo is one of the walking paths. I spent many hours slowly walking these paths to exercise my legs.

I must admit that sometimes my experiences were some of the most painful I've ever experienced in my life. Some experiences were incredibly beautiful too. The point, though, isn't so much what kind of experience arises, but rather how we react.

There was a quote which really served as my inspiration throughout the hard times:

"The meditator dwells enduring equanimously the fruition of his or her past actions, no matter how painful, severe, sharp and terrible they are." - Buddha (SN 1.1.168)

This is one of the men's residential buildings. They aren't the most luxury accommodations, but they do the trick for those who are practicing renunciation for a week or two. As soon as I arrived at the center, it became very clear that this tradition was designed for "householders" - that is to say, not for monks. It's a little funny, since I don't hold a house, and I don't have a wife and kids. Though, I'm certainly no monk either. The tradition has a lot of elements which reveal the Burmese and Indian cultures from which it comes.

The center is full of wildlife. Every night as the day came to an end, we would always send our blessings to all the beings on the meditation campus - big and small, visible or invisible, wishing them happiness and liberation. I think the animals must feel it. I saw a jack rabbit, tarantulas, lots of deer, lizards, gophers, and more. Unfortunately, I never got to see the fox, the bobcat, or the scorpions, but I heard the stories.

I spent the first few weeks living in a tent. It was summer, and hot (up near 108 degrees F.) And by the time I left in December, I had enjoyed at least one snowfall.

They affectionately call it "dhamma land," and it definitely has it's own unique quality to it. Peaceful, harmonious, and simple. May All Deer Be Happy!

Peeking through the trees here, you can see the assistant teacher's (AT) residence. The assistant teachers are students of meditation like the rest of us, but with a fair amount of experience. They vary from course to course, and come from all over the world to give service here. They don't receive any money, and so in general they are all financially independent on their own. The main teaching, however, comes on video tapes and audio tapes of S.N. Goenka himself. I'm hoping I might get the chance to see Goenka when I go to India. He's in his eighties and not doing well physically, but I've heard he still makes an appearance now and then.

Of course, one of the most common questions I get is "what did you get out of it?" Well, some cool photos, some new friends, some good memories. But, really it's not at all about what I got out of it. It's about what I got rid of. I let go of so many memories that were no longer serving me. I let go of so many old patterns of generating suffering for myself. I let go of fears, and anger, and rage, and judgments, and anxieties. I even let go of cravings, desires and fantasies of things which may have seemed quite harmless on the surface, but really only served to take me away from the present moment.

I think it's hard to even describe it well enough to do it justice. But, the peace and happiness and contentment that's available after ditching all the unneccesary self-centered junk, well, it's the greatest blessing I could've possibly recieved.

I feel so incredibly grateful for the opportunity, and I wouldn't hesitate to recommend it to anyone else out there who's even thinking of it. It's not always easy, but who said things would be easy? And, the sunset's always seemed to have a way of saying that everything really is alright in the end.

For more photos, check out my Picasa photostream.

[Update: Some people have asked me questions regarding this post, so I've started a FAQ here, feel free to contact me with any other questions)

Vipassana As Taught By S.N. Goenka

"What we observe is not nature itself, but nature exposed to our method of questioning." - Werner Heisenberg

Perhaps one of the most difficult things about meditation is how difficult it is to describe to others. If I could invite you along for the journey, I surely would. But, it's something that happens with eyes closed, in silence. How to describe silence? Well, all I can say is that it's a whole heck of a lot more than what you might expect.

For anyone interested in meditation, the only thing I would recommend is to do it. Find out for yourself. And, don't wait either. It's like nothing else we do as human beings.

As far as the tradition of S.N. Goenka, I thought it was wonderful. It is strict. It is tough. It is purpose oriented. It's also very simple. It's focused. It's alive. I'd love to say more than that, but I really get lost for words.

Goenka's centers have a huge bonus in that they are free to attend, and run entirely on the donations of students who have already attended at least one 10-day course. The other huge bonus is that they are all over the world!

I'll leave it at that for now. But, here's a great video of S.N. Goenka speaking at the U.N. Peace Summit. It's a wonderful look at his philosophy and teachings...



~ Be Happy ~