Cushion Report: Six Days In The Lab

Although it's a weird experience for me to try to share my meditations through these cushion reports, I've gotten some really great feedback that a number of people have gotten inspired to start meditating again. I smile, hearing that.

So, here is the report from my six day self-retreat here in Mcleod Ganj. I've edited this report down a lot. Usually, I'm not a fan of censorship, but there were a couple reasons:
1. It was REALLY long.
2. It probably just wouldn't make much sense to those who haven't practice meditation as much.
3. It may have inadvertently confused, offended, bored, depressed, upset (or who knows what else) to those who weren't really interested in reading that much detail. (If you find such a reaction anyway, please just disregard my ramblings and be happy!)
Anyway, here it goes ~
...

I'd been thinking about meditation and how it's like a completely different movement of the mind. Like a 5th dimension. Time, Space, and (to steal a word from Stephen Colbert) "Truthiness"... a dimension of truthiness from illusion to the Ultimate. And, meditation is movement along that 5th dimension.

I'm staying in Mcleod Ganj, India (home of the Dalai Lama), and thought it'd be good for a little self retreat (6 days). I managed it on about $7 per day for room and board, and had a beautiful rooftop terrace to do my walking meditation on (with eagles flying overhead!) I may come back and do it again someday, as it worked so well.

I was reading a little bit of Ch. 4 and 5 of Mastering The Core Teachings Of The Buddha to prepare, when something clicked. I instantly wanted to return to the lab and continue the experiment. I made a strong resolve to start right away and spend the entire six days focused on stepping out of the story and into the ultimate. To travel the 5th dimension!

With this boost of inspiration, I started strong, with long stretches of concentration - not missing a single breath. Psychological "stuff" started to emerge after about 3 hours of this, and moving into Day 2 as well. I felt like how I imagine the start of a Peyote trip would be. I was emotionally vomiting all the anger, blame, tightness, and other "stuff" that had been clogged up.

Around 3:00PM on Day 2, rather suddenly, the storm simply passed. There was calm, and the "trip" was officially underway.

Day 3: I switched from breath to sensations and my concentration was beginning to return. By the afternoon, I was getting emotional again, but this time with a heart much wider open. Not so much caught up in my personal story, but more filled with compassion for all beings.

I was feeling the pain of the Indian working man on the street... feeling the vulnerability of life when one customer spending 200 rupees ($5) could make or break your day! My heart ached.

Keeping with the meditation into the evening, I decided to attend the candle light march through the streets of Mcleod Ganj that night. The monks and lay people had gathered in protest of the killing of innocent Tibetans in China. This brought up a lot of emotions, and in particular there was one monk who every time I looked at him, I started crying. The look on his face told the a profound story. The release came from deep in my belly. There is a photo I took of him to the left.

The morning of Day 4: concentration was weak again. I realized that I was still only at the surface of the mind with the tears, thoughts, and insights. And, I realized that going to the depth (going to truthiness) meant going to the bare sensations.

Regroup and keep practicing.

Day 4 afternoon: I was having a rough time (lots of pain), so I decided to journal. My journaling itself became part of the process and after about 20 minutes I was dropping into some pretty profound states of peace. But, more important than the peace, I was really seeing Anicca (impermanence) from moment to moment with all that was arising. This lead to the awakening of equanimity within.

After this, my mind continued to calm down and sink into the peace. More ease, less suffering. Pains loosened, energy flowing. I didn't sleep much that night.

Day 5 morning: Energy channels were opening and flowing. Waves of pleasant sensations and relaxation through the body. When the mind was resting on objects, anicca (impermanence) and anatta (not-self) were seen.

The surface was happy and calm, but also present was a subtle restlessness and aversion to slowing down any more. Not sitting - pain in neck, back, hips, knees, but this was a quieter pain now. This felt like healing.

The resistance was now at a much subtler level. Equanimity was strong and very balanced. I continued to apply effort to keep peeling off layers from that core agitation, while also maintaining the balanced mind. Equanimity continued to strengthen into the afternoon. More energy was flowing, more peace. Concentration was still scattered, so I kept the effort on.

Morning of Day 6: Up at 4AM. Equanimity was still strong, and lots of Joy. With this came also lots of Pride, Arrogance, and rehearsing conversations. When I saw the pride and restless mind, I resolved to put fierce effort into anapana and still the mind. I spent about 2 hours in a battle (loving but fierce) to keep attention with the breath. It felt very appropriate, and then I just let go and napped for abut 30 minutes.

Upon awakening again, I had a beautiful full body contraction with quivering. A "relaxing into, and release." (Feels kinda like finally going to the bathroom when you've been waiting a couple years to go)

Despite the anapana, the mind was still wandering. However, mindfulness and investigation were strengthening while equanimity was solid. "Discipline and acceptance - continue the process. Breath by Breath." - I wrote in my journal.

This continued through the morning and into the afternoon. Self-image defenses were arising, along with body pain again. Another storm had hit, but equanimity and happiness were still present and very little involvement with "my stuff."

Practicing a tip from Thanissarro Bhikkhu, I focused on the sensations of the Joy. This spread into more joy and metta. "Metta for my body, metta for my mom, metta for my watch, metta for my camera." This dance of pain and equanimity continued into the night.

Day 7: Retreat's over. I took a wonderful 18km hike up into the base of the Himalayas. (see my other blog post) I noticed a lot of residual restlessness and agitation, but overall I had a good "transition back day."

A quick note about posture: Given my recent health troubles, I took a resolve to "Gentle Perseverance" (Thanks, Constance Casey). During this retreat, I probably spent about 1 hour per day sitting, 1 hour per day walking, a couple hours around town and eating meals, etc. And, about 8-10 hours per day meditating in bed lying down (not to mention about 8 hours of sleep each night). A LOT of time in bed. Not very zazen of me, but it seemed to work well, and it didn't seem to impede much on the experiment at all.

Looking back on the whole thing now, I can see the very clear cycle of storms and peace coming and going. But, what's very cool to see is how each cycle was at a much deeper level. Each storm had less content and "stuff" and more root level dukkha (suffering). Each cycle of peace was vastly quieter and more expansive. Overall, I think this is the most conclusive result of my "lab work." Also, as far as results, I'm noticing a lot more joy, peace and contentment... and a LOT of compassion, especially for Tibet. Also, I'm feeling slightly more empowered to actually act on that compassion (less self-judgment about it)

I'm leaving for 50 days of retreat on March 15th, so I'll be back in the lab again soon. What a joy!

Hopefully that didn't put anybody's head into to much of a tail-spin (or head-spin?)

Metta from Mcleod Ganj, and thanks to everyone who has helped contribute to make it possible for me to be here practicing this work.

Mother India, Please Take A Bath

I'd like a moment to just be frank with you, India. You're dirty and you stink.

I remember people telling me all this before I left the US. One friend told me how he had to throw out his girlfriend's clothes after her return from India, because they couldn't get the smell out.

I heard the stories, but found it hard to imagine the smell. So, let me give a brief description for your nostrils.

The first thing to hit your nose as you step off the airplane might be a warm dusty staleness with a hint of various fossil fuels. As the taxi pulls away, the exhaust fumes of traffic will ripen on the palate with more heat, sweat, and perhaps something burning nearby. Driving past a creek or river (which is really more of a garbage swamp) you'll get your first taste of rotting funk. The pungent swampy pile will reek of urine and feces (both human and animal), and possibly a dead carcass, along with rotting food and trash.

And then the real pièce de résistance, the completion of the fine bouquet: Burning Plastic! Especially in the mornings and evenings when small rubbish fires light up on nearly every street corner to burn whatever will burn. And what burns easier than plastic?! However, you can rest assured that whatever plastic doesn't get burned might be swallowed by the cow who provided your fresh yogurt lassi.

By the time the small beggar child with runny nose walks up and sneezes on you or coughs on you, you may be ready to sew your mouth and nose closed and never take another breath.

This really only leaves the occasional scent of fresh spices steaming out of an Indian kitchen. This will either be a small blessing from the Divine, or a torture when the next waft of burning plastic hits your lungs.

I haven't stopped coughing since I arrived, so I'm now going for refuge in the holy dust mask.

Maybe this paints a more vivid picture to bring a little bit of India to you.

There are some people doing something about it. I met one dedicated woman from Sacred Earth Trust (sacredearthtrust.org) She is working hard to clean up Bodh Gaya. And, I've also been inspired by the story of Veer Bhadra Mishra who has made it his life's work to clean up the Ganges river.

Cushion Report: Meditation Payday!

"In the hard meditations you build up your strength, which creates the momentum for peace. Then when there is enough credit, the mind goes into a good meditation, and it is a payday."
- Ajahn Brahm

I've been reading the words of the Australian monk, Ajahn Brahm, lately. He uses the simile of the payday and basically says that you'd be crazy to go to work and expect every day to be payday, you'd be even crazier to go to work and expect every moment to be a payday. Yet, what a temptation it is to want every moment of meditation to be paying big returns.

Well, it just so happens that I have just arisen from something of a payday meditation, and I decided to write about it before my memory fades.

I woke up feeling angry and hurt about my Big Issue #3 (which used to be my Big Issue #1 about a month ago - I'll spare you the details.) As is my custom, I greeted it with a "hello, Big Issue #3," and I resolved to work on it later today, but first... meditation.

Already, this was a triumph because I can often be so swamped by the Big Issues in my life that I roll in thoughts and emotions for a while without a moment's peace. But instead, I put it aside and let it go. Big win. And, as I sat down and began my meditation, I was pleasantly surprised to find how flexible was the quality of my mind to let it all go.

I decided to work with the breath (anapanasati), since this is what I'd been reading about most recently.

About 15 minutes in, I started to notice a very subtle but important distinction about the quality of my awareness. I noticed that there was a way I could simply "know" the breath directly, and there was also a way I could effort to "concentrate" on the breath. The knowing was just like this: "The breath is here. There it is. I don't have to do anything. It's right there. And, I know it because there it is." The efforting was like this: "ok, let me concentrate. Focus. THIS is the breath. STAY with it..."

I also noticed that although the mind was wandering about somewhat for these first 15 minutes, there was also a quieter stillness that was underneath the inner dialogue. And, in that stillness was the breath, just continuing on.

In seeing all this, I really got a direct hit of the art of letting go. I witnessed that what is often described as "concentrating on the breath," is really more of a "letting go into the breath" and into the silence and stillness. And with that, I stopped the efforting.

For the next 15 minutes, I simply stayed with the breath in effortlessness. The mind would wander here and there, or it would begin to effort again, but I would just come back to that direct knowing of the breath.

After about 30 minutes of meditation, the breath began to become more and more subtle, and I was experience more and more of the small details. I was with the breath more continuously. And, it became more and more peaceful and quiet.

Then, the piti-sukha came (the bliss, the joy, the happiness). I felt it come over my face and chest in tingles, and a deeper bliss started to evolve from my first chakra. For a while, bliss has been a real sticking point for me that I've started to explore (which is why I got the book from Ajahn Brahm in the first place). I had all sorts of beliefs and hangups about bliss that were not helping me and I've been starting to shed them. And, slowly over the last few months I've been coming to terms with my love-hate-fear-guilt-misunderstanding relationship with bliss. So, I've given the instructions to command central (in my mind) that when bliss comes: remain calm, remain equanimous, allow it, let go, and let it be. These instructions have been helpful, though the opportunities for application have been few and far between.

So, my first thought was just a thought of recognition. "Oh... bliss." Then, my next thought was, "this is ok, just let it be." Soon after that, I realized that this was quite uncommon for my daily meditations, that this was something more likely to occur on retreat. Hence the recognition: "payday!"

It lasted probably for about a minute before all my habitual reactions jumped in. "Oh, this is scary." "Oh this is wild." "Oh, this is so wonderful." "Oh, I shouldn't be thinking about it, I should keep practicing." "Oh, I'm not letting it be. LET IT BE, damn it!" "Oh, that's not letting it be. I'm not very good at this." "Oh crap, it's gone."

This little dialogue wasn't anything new, although it was a bit quieter this time than it's been in the past. What was cool is that for the next 30 minutes I kept practicing and working with all this aftermath. I really put my attention on the "keep practicing" voice itself and noticed it to be the same voice as the "efforting" I mentioned above - in fact, the voice that says "keep practicing" is a big OBSTACLE to the practice itself! Ha! I realized that I wasn't letting go into my experience, but I was trying to control and overcome it... again. And, I recognized that letting go would mean letting go into the entire storm of reactions that arose from those moments of bliss.

So, I started to let go again. And, then... all of a sudden... the alarm went off, and my hour was finished. Ha! I was so peaceful, so tranquil, so calm, that I didn't even want to move or break my posture to turn the alarm off. The entire meditation passed so easily and effortlessly through the hour. And, I hardly felt attached to it at all, either.

So, this is what I would call a payday meditation. What I'm taking away from it is the deeper realization of the nature of letting go. And, the deeper realization of what it means to observe the breath without any observer. I'm sure there will be many more deeper cuts into both of those insights in due time.

Hopefully, in the future I can write a description of one of my "strength building" meditations too. They can't all be paydays, and they aren't either!