Return of the Outdoorsman

Rugged and rough... beard like a grizzly... I'm getting wild out here with some California living.

Photos are now posted from my backpacking trip to Big Sur online here.

I haven't written in a while, but for the last few weeks I've been enjoying the perks of living on planet Earth. I went surfing twice now, as well as a backpacking trip down the coast.

It's hard to live in Santa Cruz county and not be tempted to jump in the salty cold ocean once in a while. Getting on a board again after probably 9 years of no surfing brought back some good memories. There is something magical about dunking my head underwater, hearing the rush of water fill my ears, and feeling the blast of cold on my face. Then, lifting my head, shaking the water off and breathing deeply as I gaze out at the rock cliffs surrounding me. Sitting atop a board as the slow unbroken waves pass underneath, the rhythm of rising and falling, I don't have to think about much of anything. I just smile like a child, floating, floating, floating.

The first surf session was mellow. Kids half my height were learning on the close shore breaks. My long time friend, Lori, was really trying to get me stoked on the thrill of surfing again, but still I think the best part was just the water. Being wet is really fun - wet salty hair, wet splashes on my faces, wet eyebrows even. The surfing was fun too, and standing on top of a surge of water while traveling in to shore almost makes me giggle.

I bought a wetsuit a couple days later, and then was back out - this time at Manresa state beach. The waves were head-high, and the air was cold. The crisp sounds of pounding waves on sand were a constant background for adventure. I got pummeled by a few waves, tossed around much less elegantly than the first trip out. After catching a couple waves, I stumbled back to shore out of breath and with a frigid headache. Even being beaten by the onslaught of a vast ocean brings such a fullness to being alive. The senses of the body become alert to the pressures and pushes across every inch of skin. I returned to the parking lot for the post-surf ritual of squeezing out of the wetsuit and into a fresh, dry towel. The salt dried into my hair leaving a sticky residue. The car had a noticeable stillness to it when compared with the tumbles of the ocean.

Alexandra, who joined me for the second surf session, was also my companion for a trip into the wilderness of Big Sur. We chose the remote Fresno Camp, way off the beaten path - literally! In fact, the path is so overgrown, that our hike took twice as long just to plow through the bushes. Just enough trail existed for us to keep following down into a quiet valley by the San Antonio creek. The campsite was smack in a riverbed which floods over in the rainy season. We couldn't have picked a better time, since it was right before the first fall rains hit a couple weeks ago. The solitude was refreshing, the mountains were towering above, and the weather was sunny and bright. The cold creek offered yet another chance to get my hair wet and take a dip. The water flowed down over shimmering rocks and opened into pools one to two feet deep. A biodegradable soap allowed for a sudsy scrub down after a tiring (and poison oak filled) hike in. The camp food tasted delicious as always in the small metal pot that had been heated over the fire. There was no one in sight from start to finish during our two nights of camping and hiking. But even if we'd been lonely, the gnats still swarmed and cuddled with us.

After emerging from the dirty wilderness, we drove to the icon of luxury - The Hearst Castle. I'm not sure if I ever went there as a kid, but it was great to finally see it as an adult.

We also saw the elephant seals of San Simeon. The female elephant seals were sleeping in piles on the beach, while young males were sparring and testing their strength in the low water where the waves came in.

Daylight savings ends bringing the real darkness of winter. The rains have hit hard, and work has been wet and cold a couple times now. Fall potatoes, squash, and greens have arrived too, and I'll be roasting the veggies away at home in Felton.

What a planet, eh?

Jumping Off Trees in India

Here's a video that a friend took of me and some friends in India. This was day 39 of our 40 day retreat when we were first allowed to talk again, and we were invited to take boats out on the lake to get to know each other.

I ended up in a boat with 4 other men. Men! So, what do you think we did? Well, we sang funny songs, and then decided to jump out of a tree about 30 feet high above the water. In the video, I'm the last one climbing up the tree, and also the first to jump.

My friend Eskild took the video. He was also the guy in the room next to mine, so I saw him every day of the retreat as I had to walk through his room to get to the front door. The guy speaking French in the video was in the room on the other side of me. And the fourth guy was on the other side of the house. As we jump, we shout out: Asish Bhawan! (which was the name of the cottage we were living in.)

Oh, what fun we had.

Tomato Time!

So delicious!

Home

I just watched this movie, Home. It's a series of breathtaking aerial images of different landscapes across the planet Earth. A narrator describes "our home" as we move through time from the beginnings of life to the age of petroleum.

It's more of an eco-movie than a meditation movie, but I'm not sure if there's much difference for me. I really like the maxim: Think Globally, Act Locally. And, really that's what my blog is about too: Travel Globally, Meditate Locally. (Maybe that will be my new tag line.)

The imagery in the movie takes us on travels around the globe to see stunning sights from every continent. The story takes us implicitly into the psychology of being an Earthling, although there's no explicit mention of psychology or greed or the primal drives which move us as humans.

What becomes clear is that with the beginnings of life comes the hunger for energy. To be an Earthling, and to be alive, is to be an energy hungering, sucking, slurping carbon-based form. To be an Earthling is to be composed of energy stored in organic matter and to feed off the energy of the Earth, the Sun, or the stored energy of other organic beings. Organic life. Hungry. Licking it's lips. Carbon! Light! Yum!

In fact, it even appeared (to me) as though humanity has just been a pawn in the wide sweeping movement of life to be born of energy and light - a process which has been going on for billions of years and is likely to continue long after the carbon-based human has mutated once again into greatly more complex organic life.

I like the idea of titling the movie "Home," though I was expecting it to be a bit more like a tour through my home to see what we find. I think they had a different agenda. I'll suggest the next movie be called "Earthling."

Anyway, I'm hungry now for some more light-energy stored conveniently in plant forms for my consumption. Time to eat. Slurrp!

Happy and Harmless

"We are all fellow human beings who find ourselves here in the world as it was when we were born. We find war, murder, torture, rape, domestic violence and corruption to be endemic ... we notice that it is intrinsic to the human condition ... we set out to discover why this is so. We find sadness, loneliness, sorrow, grief, depression and suicide to be a global incidence – we gather that it is also inherent to the human condition – and we want to know why. We all report to each other as to the nature of our discoveries for we are all well-meaning and seek to find a way out of this mess that we have landed in. Whether one believes in re-incarnation or not, we are all living this particular life for the very first time, and we wish to make sense of it. It is a challenge and the adventure of a life-time to enquire and to uncover, to seek and to find, to explore and to discover. All this being alive business is actually happening and we are totally involved in living it out ... whether we take the back seat or not, we are all still doing it."

"It is the most stimulating adventure of a lifetime to embark upon a voyage into one’s own psyche. Discovering the source of the Nile or climbing Mount Everest – or whatever physical venture – pales into insignificance when compared to the thrill of finding out about life, the universe, and what it is to be a human being living in the world as-it-is with people as-they-are."

- Richard

I woke up this morning thinking about harmlessness, and a wish for you out there to simply feel good about life.

I sometimes don't know what this blog is all about, but I think one hope was for it to be honest and sincere.

There are trees here, and trees very often bring me a sense of well-being. Trees tend also to be rather harmless for the most part as well.

So, I step out of my house into the cold morning air and sit, typing under the trees and the birdsongs. I look, and I am in a jungle, a green paradise teeming with life. To my left, I look through layers of leaves. Through the leaves of one tree, I see the trunk of the next. Beyond the oaks, I see the orange Madrone trunk reaching up for the sky. Beyond that, more green leaves which fade into a darker backdrop of shaded leaves in the far background - a good 50 yards away. One leave falls from the brighter layer and the contrast of bright green on dark is stunning. What amazes me is that I can't see the soil, and neither can I see sky. Beyond the farthest leaf I can see, lies only more branches trunks and leaves. It is not thick and crowded, but it's not vacant either.

I look in front of me and see a different view. Redwood trees, with their darker needles, and dark wood trunks. In this direction I can see to the ground, the soil in front of me - again about 50 yards away - is covered in decaying leaves from what seems to be a endless California season of regenerative leaf growth. Some branches cross horizontally creating a matrix of intersecting lines.

The oak tree right in front of me looks sad. It's struggling with it's health and looks stunted in it's growth. Short branches peel off of a spindly trunk. The leaves are a rich green color, and they seem to be saying "I'm not done yet."

It's cold and I wonder about the marvelous existence of temperature. To be born not only into three dimensions of space, and also time, with all it's movement, shape, form and colors, but also to have this extra thing we call temperature. Each moment reaches fullness only with it's complimentary temperature. Feeling cold, I feel alive. Feeling warm, I feel alive. In this moment, I am alive.

What would it be to live a day of life without greed, hatred, and delusion? What would it be to live a day of life without the struggle of Good vs. Evil?

What is this strange world?

An Invitation To Sit

The Redwood Grove Retreat Sanctuary is situated in the forested hills of Felton, CA. Practitioners from all traditions are welcome to come and spend time in quiet reflection or simply to enjoy the clean air and sweet bird songs in the forest.

He he....

Well, I used to live in a home that my housemates and I called The Project San Francisco Mansion. Now, why not call my home the Redwood Grove Retreat Sanctuary! Why not?! For now, it's my little retreat sanctuary, and it's paradise on Earth.

Although it's my mom's place, I am paying rent and she encouraged me to really consider it my own while I'm here. So, I turned the living room into a little meditation hall that could actually sit quite a few meditators comfortably. I don't expect any big meditation parties soon, however, as most of my friends still aren't quite as meditation obsessed as I am. But, the invitation really is open for anyone to come and join me sometime in a quiet sit (or lying on the couch or standing on your head, or however you prefer to enjoy the silence).

I've already had one guest to the house, who says "...." (yikes... I've even got testimonials?! This is funny.)

I've got another friend planning to stop in the next week or two. So, if you want a little retreat time of your own, to escape the non-stop bustle of the American Dream, send me an email.

Wake up bell is at 5:00AM (on a good day)

"Trees and Vines..." - Ajahn Chah

"Trees and Vines can reveal the nature of reality to us. With wisdom there is no need to question anyone, no need to study. We can learn everything from Nature to be enlightened."

- Ajahn Chah
(quote painted on wood and nestled trail-side in the hills at Abhayagiri Monastery)

Staying at Abhayagiri Forest Monastery

Following the tradition of many Thai Buddhist Forest Monks of the past, a small group (mostly westerners) is living and practicing in the hills outside of Ukiah, CA. They call their sanctuary Abhayagiri Monastery. I've known about this place for a couple years now, but seeing how Ukiah isn't the most accessible place to travel to without a car, I had to wait for a ride. Luck had it that a friend, Robert, was going my way. In fact, he was giving a ride to a couple of the head-honcho monks at the monastery (more on that in a bit.)

The schedule is the same everyday at the monastery. Robert said "like Groundhog's Day." Yup. And, it was surprisingly a lot of work. It's not meant to be a retreat center, though... so it's not a like a nap in the park. Other than helping with dishes after every meal, and cleaning the toilet in the morning, I also was asked to do a couple of hours of trail maintenance work in the morning between breakfast and lunch. I got my workout! My back and shoulders were sore for a few days from all the swinging of a pick-axe.

After lunch, personal time begins, and I made use of it to sit in my humble cottage (called "The Bumblebee," and photo shown here) which was right next to a little babbling brook. My meditation practice was incredibly strong and deep, and I can't help but think that it was in part from the powerful energy of this monastery. From the moment I got there, I felt the peace overcome me. And, I had a wild dream on my second night there in which the entire universe exploded into shimmering lights of bliss, and I could see with incredible perspective on the total totalness of existence. It was cool, although I don't want to make too much a big deal out of it. The next day it was back to shoveling and breaking rocks. A flickering moment in time.

The trails (of which I helped work on) run for miles around the hills, which are mostly steep so provide ample exercise. I spent my last day running around taking photos and checking out the nooks and crannies.

They also have a pretty stellar library with a wide selection of Buddhist books and also some poetry, psychology, and even a cool book on old school etiquette.

The etiquette is another important point. When I first heard about Abhayagiri, my friend told me, "they are so careful with their vinaya there, it's impressive." The Vinaya is the monastic code of 227 rules governing all manners of morality and etiquette. I didn't really think that this could be impressive until I saw it! Yes, it is impressive!

It's not that they have really good rules, or that they are really good at keeping people from breaking the rules, or anything like that. In fact, most of the time it doesn't even feel like they are "rules" at all. Rather, it feels like an incredibly conscious community in which the monks take such care in all their actions. And with meticulous care, they cultivate a lifestyle which is incredibly pleasant to be around, peaceful, and joyful. Sure, there were a couple who seemed a little over-the-top with it, kinda like trying to be "good boy scouts." But, for the most part, it didn't seem contrived, forced, or oppressive at all. In fact, it felt freeing, open, and spacious. And, so many smiles too! The monks smile a lot.

The food is all donated (alms food), and it's not entirely vegetarian. The feast was quite large on Friday (the lunar celebration day) and I always made away with some very tasty dishes on my plate. Part of the practice is to only eat for health and not for pleasure, but it's a little counter-productive with all the cookies and dumplings, etc.

I made some good friends while there, and really enjoyed the company. I can see what a magnet this place must be for those who are willing to take the time to seek out such rare sanctuaries like this. I got to hear a couple short Dhamma talks from Ajahn Amaro and Ajahn Sucitto - two highly regarded long-time monks. The Dhamma talks brought me joy.

One reason I went was to see if I might someday want to become a monk. I must say that the trip brought me mixed thoughts on the topic. On one hand, I found the rules and monastic discipline to be more inspiring than what I'd thought. Also, the monk lifestyle seemed beautiful and very tempting. So, in some sense, I'm more interested now than before. While on the other hand, there was some thing about it also which pushed me away (and I'm not sure I can put my finger on it.) One of my friends noted that I'm a little too raw and unrefined for monastic life, and I think that may be it. I'm not a very "traditional" kind of guy, and I'm not a very good "Buddhist" either. But, we'll see. I have no idea what my future holds. I'm starting to think that I like my future like I like my coffee - with nothing in the cup. (I don't like coffee.)

I only stayed at Abhayagiri for three nights, as this was the plan with Robert and his driving schedule, and they limit your first stay to seven days max, anyway. I would like to go back at some point and stay for a longer time, perhaps. But, I'll be sure to be ready for some work!

Best Pay Cut Of My Life

As the future unfolds before me, it looks like I'll be heading back to the simple life. There's a 90% chance that I'm going to be going back to work for my long time friends at Happy Boy Farms - selling the freshest and most delicious organic fruits and vegetables!

If I take the job, I'll be making about 3 times less than I made teaching workshops and seminars, 10 times less than I made doing private coaching, and about 40 times less than what I could make if I followed some of my friends into the marijuana growing business. Uh oh, I said "marijuana" so I better explain. Well, these days, it's possible to grow marijuana "legally" through the legal loopholes in California. I've met a number of people who do it, and they make a ton of very real money. But, I didn't want to compromise myself for money. I didn't want to compromise myself for anything in this vast world of abundance we live in. In fact, not only will I be making less money than all these other opportunities, but I'll even be making $2 per hour less than when I had the same job five years ago!

So, why is it the best pay cut of my life? Because it's an absolute joy to give up the extra money in exchange for the perfect job for me right now. If all goes as planned, I'll work Saturday and Sunday every week (for about 10-12 hours per day). Then, I'll take Monday and Friday as days for personal errands (email, etc.). And, I can take Tuesday through Thursday to spend on personal meditation retreat (at home, no phone, no email, nothing but me and the redwoods)

And, that brings me to the next point - I'll be living in the Redwoods! I don't think I've ever found the Buddha anywhere more than in Redwood trees. My mom will hopefully be generous enough to let me stay in her cabin up here in Felton, CA (where I am now). In fact, I just spent yesterday, all day, in meditation here and I loved it! It's so quiet, and so peaceful, and so alive. A cabin in the woods - my dream come true.

I always loved working for Happy Boy Farms too. I really think that eating fresh local organic produce is one of the most important things any of us can do for our planet and our bodies. I don't think the ecological and health benefits of this simple act can be understated, and it seems like a very important task to help bring the food from the farms to people's homes. It's a simple job, but one of the very crucial ones in our society, I believe.

Not to mention the perks - free veggies!

It's generally a seasonal job, as most of the Farmer's Markets will end come wintertime. So, in November I'll have a chance to move on with my journey.

I'm planning to work this Sunday at one of the San Francisco markets and see how it goes. Next week, I'll be up at Abhayagiri Monastery for a few days, and then back to work again. I'm sure I'll keep posting on how it all goes.

I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, To put to rout all that was not life and not when I had come to die Discover that I had not lived.
- Henry David Thoreau

Spirit Rock, Abhayagiri, and California Living

I've been back in the US for a few days now, but it seems like I've already done a lot! I visited with family and friends, and saw a lot of the ol' hometown sights around the Bay Area. I took a nice hike out to the ocean with my dad too. The beard has been quite a centerpiece of conversation, but it's days are numbered (my friend Whit has some clippers here in SF)

So, as the wheels of time turn, opportunities are opening up in front of me once again. I'm still leaving my plans very open-ended, with an eye toward what will continue to deepen this process of unfolding that's going on within me. But, I also would like to check out some of the great practice spots here in California - since I'm here. Someone asked if I had "wanderlust," as I seem to be moving around a lot. Actually, I'd prefer to stay settled for maybe 6 months or a year or two. At the risk of sounding overly practical, what I'm really looking for is a place where I can get the most meditation for the longest amount of time at the lowest cost - simple economics. I thought that having good instruction and teachings would be important, but after the last few months, I realize that it's not totally essential for me, though definitely welcome. Quiet solitude is pretty essential though.

Well, I went by Spirit Rock this morning and saw the grounds, and even said "Hi" to Jack Kornfield (he said "Hi" back, and then went on his way). They have a stipend residential work position open that looks tempting, and I'll probably put in my resume just to see if I get a nibble. Spirit Rock is absolutely stunning! It's probably about as big as the Sattal Ashram, with excellent quiet nature, but less Indian tourists and chaos. Plus, it's actually used solely for Dharma practice (as the Sattal ashram was not). Definitely a 5 star retreat center, and it would be a beautiful place to live! Almost too beautiful!

Also, I ran into a Dharma friend who I've been corresponding with who is heading up to Abhayagiri monastery in Northern California in a couple weeks. I've been wanting to get up there as I've had a number of friends tell me about it now. But, I didn't know how I'd find a ride. F-A-T-E... wouldn't you know it? I get offered for a ride as soon as I ask. It's like magic. Since it's a monastery, I suppose there's always the off chance that I'll shave my head and won't come out. But, at any rate, it will be a wonderful opportunity.

I also would like to get down to Wat Metta in Southern California, and the new Goenka center near Sebastapol, and of course back to the North Fork Center to see the pagoda that's being built there too! There's a lot of Dharma in this region of the world, too much to even list it all here. Karma is good to me!

In addition, I'll be emptying my storage unit soon, so this all should keep me busy for a little while.

People are telling me that I seem pretty much like the same Daniel. I don't really feel the same (and as a wonderful monk in Korea once told me: "not a moment goes by that the mountain doesn't change.") But, I think I get the sentiment.

- Still Daniel

Sattal Retreat with OpenDharma.org

"Welcome to heaven... at least... looks like heaven to me." These were the first words from Ajay Singh, one of three instructors, at the start of my 40 day retreat.

It was the opening talk. We were cozily situated in the stunning hill-top chapel at Sattal Christian Ashram. Mattresses were strewn across the floor so that each person could sit or lie down as ever they found most comfortable. Many were already lying down (including myself) and already deeply content. A soft breeze passed through the spacious windows which opened out to views of lush forest and green mountains. A large but simple wooden cross stood behind the three instructors, and only added to the peace and beauty of the space. With forty days ahead of us, there was a feeling of having all the time in the world. And in between the words, the only sound which could be heard was the gentle songs of the local birds - like a welcoming chorus from our hosts.

Yes, it looks like Heaven to me too!

The other two instructors were Jaya and Jess, and each brought a different face to the Dharma. I'm sure I can't do them justice, but I'll still attempt a short description.

Ajay comes from Lucknow, India. His joy is incredibly infectious, and there is nothing more fun than watching him break into a fit of laughter so strong that his eyes begin to water and he can no longer speak. His teachings are simple, and his favorite way to teach seems to be in translating some of his most loved Hindu texts for us. For the first 10 days, he read from Kabir, and for the last 30 days he read from the Yoga Vashishta.

Jaya comes from North Carolina, but calls home to both India and Spain. Her two year old son may have also been called a teacher as his presence brought a certain innocence to the retreat. What I remember most about Jaya is that on two random occasions I happened to make eye contact with her. Both occasions were of the nature that they could've been on of those awkward retreat moments where you end up communicating, but not sure if you're supposed to communicate, but not really sure what you're communicating, and not sure why you're even looking anyway. But, no. Instead, it happened in those moments that I was smiling, and so was she. And, it was just the most natural meeting of smiles and meeting of eyes that seemed to have a flavor of knowing to it - like what was expressed in the moment was just known very deeply without words. Or then again, maybe it was just a smile.

Jess comes from Australia and she brought a lot of enthusiasm to the retreat. I spoke with her in a couple of personal interviews and felt the warm support of a good friend. She also gave a radiant and brilliantly alive discourse on women, the feminine, tantra, and spirituality which led to some pretty wild dreams for me that night!

None of the teachers were Christian, of course, so the Jesus paraphernalia of the ashram brought it's own energy as well. In fact, on Day 15, we were asked to move out of the chapel and into a small barn to continue our questionable non-sectarian practices.

The schedule was pretty relaxed for the first ten days, and even more relaxed for the thirty after that. For me, it involved a lot of lying around. Also, occasional events were organized like a group walk through the hills, or singing in the hall every few nights. It was like my dream summer camp: A beautiful swimming lake, hiking, lying around, listening to good Dharma, and best of all - no talking!

There were also three meals a day provided of delicious Indian food.

The encouragement to meditate in the lying posture is somewhat unique to Open Dharma and what a treat! I can't say that it ever led to "Sloth, Torpor, and Laziness" as the strict Buddhists would claim. Too bad for them.

The ashram itself is on 340 acres of land and includes access to two lakes, one of which I swam in every other day. The other lake we took a boat ride on, on day 38. There were both brown and grey monkeys, dozens of birds (including parrots, eagles, and something that looked like Toucan Sam meets Woody the Woodpecker!) and even leopards, though no leopards were spotted by any of the retreatants. The huts were comfortable and reminiscent of an old Austrian monastery with stone and concrete walls and aging wooden furniture.

Living forty days with a group of people without talking can be quite an intense and also intimate experience. I felt a deep connection with everyone there even if I didn't say anything to them. In fact, I think the crowd was one of the most enjoyable of any retreat I've done so far - perhaps because of the level of commitment it takes to travel to India and spend 40 days of your life in silence.

I'm not sure if they will be doing this retreat again (given the situation with the chapel) but if so, I hope I can attend.

As always, I've posted my photos from Sattal in my Picasa album, but for more photos, you can see the album of my friend Dave (another American) who has also posted his photos online (some are shown here.)

Cushion Report: Fifty Days of Wu Wei

I like this word "wu wei." It's from the Chinese and is translated as non-doing, non-action, or non-interference. Maybe I like it because it reminds me of when I was about 21 and I fell in love with the Tao Te Ching. I still think if I had to be stuck on an island with only one book, I might choose that one.

The Master does nothing,
yet nothing is left undone.
A foolish man is always doing,
Yet much remains to be done.

- Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching (38)

As this story unfolds, you may see the significance of this concept, but let's start at the start. I didn't journal everyday, but rather every 5 days for the first 40 days and not at all while on the Goenka retreat (as per Goenka's rules.) So, this will be quite a condensed version of the vast lifetime of experience that occurs in 50+ days.

Day 0: By great fortune, the retreat began for me almost instantly upon my arrival, and by that I mean the inner process began. Within a few hours of just being on the gorgeous property, I found myself in deep surrender. I willingly gave up all expectations for the next 40 days and decided to just let whatever happens be whatever happens. It was like there wasn't a single drop of desire in me that could have imposed my will on the next 40 days. Or put another way, it was like looking at the trees, and the mountains and saying "I'm yours!" Thus, the retreat was underway.

Day 5: "Experience. Everything is experience. No control, no forcing, letting go. Layer after layer. At times wild ride, at times quite plain. Just being, just sitting, just walking."

I had an image of those folks you hear about in the cornfields of the mid-west who form welcoming crews for the aliens. I was the welcoming crew, except not for aliens but for the inner experience of Truth.

Day 10: "Lots of 'dream work.' The dream-life boundary not so strong. Powerful dreams, lucid dreams, deep states of knowing consciousness. Still enjoying myself."

The crisp immediate presence with moment-to-moment experience would come and go. My slogan became: "Don't force it." (Thanks Damian!) and with that I was experience a lot of ease.

Day 10 was a transition day because some people only came for 10 days and some people were arriving for the next 30. This turbulence proved to be the start of a new chapter in the retreat.

Day 15: "Long five days - seems like long time since I last wrote... just kinda walking around, eating, etc. Same 'ol same 'ol. Thinking a lot too... Mind/thought/figuring out, etc. is becoming more and more obvious of it's uselessness. Like unemployed mind - going out of business. More and more just being with direct experience.
'But it doesn't make sense' <-- exactly!
Not much "makes sense" to my mind over the last few days, but I'm just kinda going with it... Feels like waking up, but can't say that I totally enjoy it. I'm still really liking this idea: "slowly and quietly, just going about my day, going about the practice." No frills - simplicity - the simplest thing - Life."

The quote above "slowly and quietly..." was from an observation Christopher Titmuss made about the monks and nuns who seemed to make the most progress while he was in the monastery.

At this point, I wasn't really going on any "meditation instructions" so to speak. My practice basically looked like how I described it above, that simple.

Day 20: "Too much to write. Days 10-18 were tough - got in some mind loops... More trust in experience - less dependence on mental constructs... only 3 weeks left. he he..."

This trust comment in my journal is significant. Much of the retreat (and even my daily practice now) seems to be around learning to trust the actuality of my being rather than the self I think of myself as through mental images. A quick digression here...

Reading A.H. Almaas, it seems that ego psychology now posits that one reason we may have such a large brain which creates mental constructs, self-other images, and ultimately an ego, may be for the survival of the infant. That is to say that for an infant to be separated from his/her mother might be quite difficult to bear, but if the child has an image of "mother" in mind then no loss is detected.

The individual, that is the self-image, is supported psychically by the presence of the mother's image; thus the child does not feel alone when physically separate from the mother. He feels supported by the presence of the mother's image, which gives him the sense of security which allows him to be away from her, and makes it safer to regard her as an autonomous person.
- A.H. Almaas, The Pearl Beyond Price

The only problem is that this sense of security is based on an image and thus either one will always live life as an image or approximation of themselves, or this deeper insecurity must be addressed.

So, that's my digression, for which you can forgive me if it was overly-intellectual and wordy. In reality, I really was just kinda walking around, sitting, eating, and lying in bed.

"Day 25:
Sublime
Being as is. Listening inside.
I'm starting to hear myself.
She's calling me home.
"Trust," she says.
Trust.
Everyday, the mind game grows weaker.
I know the way.
Just Be. Just Be. Just Be."

Seeing as how my journal entry is a poem, and how I refer to myself in the feminine, it may be self-explanatory that I was near the peak of my trippiness for this retreat. (And, it's not without a small amount of shyness that I reprint my poem here.)

Perhaps it's a good time to mention that there was a very feminine quality to my Open Dharma retreat. Perhaps due to the nature of the retreat and the instructors (which hopefully I can write about later.) My relationship with the feminine in me grew significantly. I'll also briefly mention that when I got to the Goenka retreat (the last 10 days), I noticed some movement back toward the masculine. But, this whole masculine-feminine topic is way too much to get into now.

Day 30: "It feels like the retreat just started. Day 26-29 were a bit rough and stormy. Today, I'm taking rest. Day off. Recuperate. A lot of stuff has happened, but none of it seems like such a big deal. Right now, I'm fantasizing about living in a Japanese Monastery... still here. Not doing much... I love just being. Loving wu wei. Loving love. Still such DEEP longings. Belly longings. So many wants/So many dreams and Desires."

Worth noting in this journal entry is the word "rest." Throughout the 40 days, I became much more proficient at resting, and I'm continuing the practice even today. At times, it's quite difficult.

Day 35: "35 days!... Heaven here. Saw a snake today, and the waterfall. Too hard to explain how this has all unfolded. What do I usually say to this journal?
Nothing Special?
Living my life - ups and downs.
Coming to know myself more and more.
Loving meditation, and realizing more that "being" is meditation is presence is my nature... so really loving meditation is loving myself, loving the truth of my being.
Some shitty days have come and gone. It's hard to say I'm "progressing," as life still feels quite ordinary. But, I am coming to know myself and to know the images which have played the role of "myself" for quite some time. Funny, I'm also realizing how this path really leads nowhere. Like, there's really nothing in it for me. The meaning of Life is Life itself (not me, he he...) Looks like a lot of work still ahead of me."

Day 40: "Wow... uh... what? That was forty days? ummm... huh? *Time*..?
I just talked with Ajay. I said it seems like both:
- I've arrived! I'm here!
- AND... keep going!
He said: "Yes, keep flying with both the feathers."
It's a weird feeling. Doesn't feel particularly special in any way - just feels "ok"... I'm leaving tomorrow, but so far, even "leaving" doesn't feel like "leaving." It just feels like change - more life.
... The silence is a little unnerving. And in fact, it makes sense why I spend my life trying to fill the silence - because there's really nothing there. There's really nothing when the noise fades away. Just Being. And, then, when the time is right, things come. And then they go. And that's just life. Just here. That's all."

And with that my 40 day retreat ended, but I saw no reason to stop there. I got on an overnight train to Dehra Dun and started a ten-day Goenka retreat the next day.

Days 42-44 (Day 0-2 for Goenka):
I didn't like the center much at all when I arrived. (I hope to write about it in another post. Mostly the issue was body pain.) And, I spent the first 2 days considering a run for the exit. I decided that I would leave on one and only one condition: kindness toward myself. No other excuse could make me budge, but if the strict ascetic discipline of the Goenka center even for one moment required me to compromise my own self-kindness, I would've left.

Happily, however, I learned by day 45 (day 3) that the harshness was mostly in appearance only. And by day 3, I was able to settle into , my own rhythm which, though still strict, was sufficiently loving for the needs of my mind and body.

Due to the extra restrictions of Goenka's courses, I had a more intense experience there than in Sattal. I found myself entering some rather altered states and to be honest, I don't even remember day 3-7 (day 45-49).

By around Day 50 (Day 8), thoughts of the outside world started to come in... checking email, blogging, etc. and I slowly transitioned to the end (Day 11/54)

No notes for my Goenka retreat, but it continued along the same threads. I did my best to follow Goenka's technique (observing bodily sensations), while still staying true to my maxim: "Don't force it." (thanks Damian). Mostly, I stayed within the peculiarities of his technique but had quite an interesting experience perhaps around Day 5 (day 47):
Quite spontaneously, my mind started meditating according to another technique from another tradition (Mahasi-style noting). I actually made an attempt to stop it as I wanted to stay in the spirit of "when in Goenkaland, do as the Goenkans." To my surprise, I was unable to stop it, and instead I surrendered to it and found myself having quite a profound meditative experience. But, this did beg the question: "Who's doing the meditating here?" Since it was occurring against my will, who's will was it?

This inquiry is still unfolding for me now in my daily practice, and I think it will continue to unfold as well.

At any rate, I've tried to give a fairly honest and open account here of my experience, but of course, it can only be partial. May it be of some value.

I'll defer to Ghandi to give this last point a better treatment:

I find myself confronted with a fresh problem. What things to mention and what to omit... If things that are relevant are omitted, truth will be dimmed. And it is difficult to decide straightaway what is relevant, when I am not even sure about the relevancy of writing this story... I know that I do not set down in this story all that I remember. Who can say how much I must give and how much omit in the interest of truth? And what would be the value in a court of law of the inadequate ex parte evidence being tendered by me of certain events of my life?...

I, therefore, wonder for a moment whether it might not be proper to stop writing... But so long as there is no prohibition from the voice within, I must continue writing.

- Ghandi, from his autobiography

Sadhu, Sadhu, Sadhu
Well said, Ghandi. Well said.

Travel Update: Leaving Town Again

One last hike while up in the mountains took me to St. John's Church of the Wilderness. What a way to say goodbye to this beautiful mountain town. It's hard moving on sometimes, and this is one place where I will always have a little piece of my heart.

The Church of the Wilderness brought up a lot of metta (love) for Christianity, despite it's flaws. And also I was feeling a lot of love for the contribution that religion has made to architecture. I think, maybe, spiritual architecture may be one of the coolest achievements of mankind!

So, I'm getting on a bus tonight - third class, government bus. I think it's hit or miss whether I will regret this or not. It's a 12 hour overnight ride - just hope I have a friendly seat-mate.

I will end up in Rishikesh at some point tomorrow morning, where I'll be staying for one night. I'm excited about Rishikesh, as it's where the Beatles went to study with the great Maharishi. There's a bunch of yoga, ashrams and hippies there now.

I'll spend one night there, and then I'm going through Hardiwar on my way out of town the next day - on an overnight train to Sattal for my retreat.

Haridwar is currently hosting the 2010 Kumbh Mella, which is said to be the largest spiritual gathering on the planet (sometimes up to 10 million pilgrims). I wanted to see it, but not really be in it. Too many crowds for my taste. So, I'm happy that I get to simply pass through for the day.

Let's hit the road!

We Go Where Eagles Dare

"We walk the streets at night, we go where eagles dare!" - The Misfits

Ok, I'm pretty sure the Misfits weren't talking about anything like hiking a tall mountain, but they were one of my ex-wife's favorite bands, so I took a liking to their music. Their song, "Where Eagles Dare," shares the name with a 1968 WWII movie and originally comes from Shakespeare's Richard the III:

"The world is grown so bad, that wrens make prey where eagles dare not perch". - Shakespeare

I feel pretty sure that Shakespeare wasn't talking about walking in the Himilayas either. Oh well. I like the phrase. And, personally, I go where eagles dare.

In fact, there is something about vast mountain ranges and untouched wildernesses (where even eagles dare not perch) that have always sparked a deep interest in me. When I first heard about Alaska as a young teen, I became obsessed with it and decided I must go. When I first heard about the Himilayas (which wasn't really until about age 24) the same interest arose. "I must go."

However, years passed and I still haven't been deep in either of these mountain wildernesses. Perhaps, it's time. I just got my first taste, like a small sip for a thirsty man.

I made the 18km roundtrip trek from Mcleod Ganj (1770m/5800ft) to Triund (2900m/9514ft) and arrived at the head of the Dhauladhar mountain range!

At the top I met some friendly monks, originally from Tibet, who were up on the mountain just enjoying the day. I pointed to the peak and said "Big Mountain." They laughed at me! I think they were also taking a small sip to quench the thirst of living in a flat flat India. The monk with the umbrella said "India's like the palm of your hand," and then he looked at his palm and blew a gust across it as if he had just blown away all of India with one Himilayan wind.

In the ongoing comedy of my health saga, I managed to get severely sunburned on the trek. Doh! "Oh, You Body!" Still smiling though.

I met a monk in saffron robes (Thai?) on the way up who gave the advice: "Slow slow." I took the advice and got up in about 5 hours. I came down in less than three, though.

Amongst Rhododendron groves and butterflies, the wilderness highlight was probably when I got close enough to the white bird I'd been tracking to realize it was a vulture! (apparently "the Lammergeier or Bearded Vulture – known for its enormous wingspan (up to 3m) and habit of dropping bones onto rocks from a height to split them for the marrow inside." - see my source at the bottom of this post.)

Someone told me that it was an Eagle, but I knew it wasn't, so I'd been calling it "The Albatross" for fun. Now, I can rest and recuperate before setting out in search of the next Great Elusive Albatross!

[For Bird Identification, I just found this cool post by a birdwatcher who traveled this area of India. That's why I think, in fact, that these are Golden Eagles here.]