My Breakthrough Books (chronological order)

I thought for fun, I'd write a list of those books and teachers who have had huge impacts in my life and my continuing path of personal awakening. I will try to get all the big ones in there, but may miss a few. I'm sure the most important will make it on the list. I don't necessarily recommend any of these anymore, as it seems like it's as much a matter of timing as anything. They were perfect for me, where I was, at the time. I hope this doesn't come off as too much narcissistic reminiscing, but I just wanted to share these resources out of gratitude.


1985 (?)
Aikido Class
I remember bowing to the Sensei and wearing cool clothes. I loved (and still love) the Japanese aesthetic. I don't think I had any idea what I was doing, however, but the drop falls really helped me from breaking bones later when I got into skateboarding. And, I think the sense of flowing with life has stayed with me ever since.

1983-1988 (?)
Nueva Learning Center
I was blessed to go to this ahead-of-its-time school as a kid. I can't even imagine my life without it.

1998
Way of The Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman
I didn't read that many books back in those days, but this one was recommended to me by my mom, and was my first glimpse at a possible spiritual life that wasn't confined by the likes of Christianity or Science.

1999
The Tao of Physics, by Fritjof Capra
This was my first introduction to Eastern philosophy that was presented in a way that I was actually interested. (My first time hearing the Dharma.) I was simultaneously studying quantum physics at UC Berkeley, falling deeply deeply in love, and having the time of my life - the synchronicity was unbelievable and changed the entire course of my life. I think, after reading it, I called my sister and told her that I was a Buddha (psychotic delusions are always the mark of a really good book - he he). After this, I read a vast number of books from 1999 on in many different subjects that would be way too long a list to put here. None of them stand out now as particular highlights, though each one had a piece of the puzzle.

2003
10 Day Retreat, Suan Mokh, Thailand
My first real taste of silent meditation. I got into some very peaceful states, but really had no idea what these monks were going on about, with their Jhanas and Wheels of dependent origination and whatnot.

Gestalt Therapy, by Frederick S. Perls
I learned how to yell at pillows! No, actually, I just read the book (didn't actually do any therapy per se.) The book was my inspiration to stop being shy and start talking to real people in the real world (though it was something of a bumpy ride at first).

2004
Without Embarrasment (link requires parental supervision), by Mike Pilinski
It's totally embarrassing to mention this book here (if you click the link, you'll see what I mean - but don't click it at work). Ha! I mean, it's one of the cheeziest books out there, and I wouldn't really recommend it. But, out of all the dating books that I read from 2004-2006 or so, this one still stands out in my mind the most (thanks Mike!). The basic thing I got from it was to start questioning my shame. Like, I would discover a self-judgement: "I'm bad if I do xyz..." and then question "am I really bad?" It sounds simple, but it had a Profound Impact!

2007
The Authentic Man Program
I don't really know what they did, or if it really helped at all, but I do know it re-ignited the flame of my inner journey. I'm sure Decker would consider this success enough.

2008
10 Day Vipassana Course in the tradition of Sayagyi U Ba Khin and S.N. Goenka
Recommended to me by Decker and Bryan from The Authentic Man Program, my first course at the California Vipassana Center dropped a bomb on my psyche that's still sending shock waves through the Earth's crust. This really re-ignited the inner journey which started with Tao of Physics in 1999, and this time the lid blew off.

The Point of Existence by A.H. Almaas
What Goenka provided in practice, Almaas delivered in theory. For the very very very first time in my entire life, I actually considered that there might be an Absolute Truth (albeit beyond any explanation) and that therefore there might actually be... that's right... a point of existence. Not at all what I thought it'd be though. I think the meticulousness and scientific scrutiny with which the Diamond Mind books are presented actually gave me for the first time some faith that this stuff was real, and that it was well-traveled territory, and that although it's subjective and hard to describe, it is no less available for scientific discovery as any other landscape in existence. I'm not sure I would've gone on if not for this book.

Adyashanti
I found Adyashanti after first recommendation from my friend Greg, and then also from Damian (thanks guys). I really liked his down to earth descriptions of what it may mean to live the enlightened life. Again, it gave me a sense that there really was something going on here, and that it was possible.

2009
The Way to Ultimate Calm by Webu Sayadaw
The Vimuttimagga by The Arahant Upatissa
During my stay at the California Vipassana Center, I read a number of Theravada Buddhist texts, these two stand out as my favorites for extremely direct and practical teachings about meditation. And, the six month stay at CVC was a breakthrough in itself, to say the least.

Mastering The Core Teachings Of The Buddha, by Daniel Ingram
This is a profound book which is direct and to the point.

2010
Christopher Titmuss
Open Dharma
All of this is on my blog in the archives, so you guys know the story. But, I have so much love for Christopher, Jaya, Jess, Ajay, and Zohar.

I hope maybe someone gets a fresh idea for reading options or retreat options from this. If your out there reading this, I'd love to hear any breakthrough books or teachers, etc. which came at the right time and left a meaningful impact in your life. You can add it to the comment section and keep the list going!

Cushion Report: Not Too Easy

"Nothing is ever too easy in life - thank goodness. It's not good to have an easy life you know, no matter what they tell you. Life isn't easy. It's not meant to be easy. It's not meant to have easy answers."
- Christopher Titmuss

According to my plan for moving here to Felton, I had hoped to spend the weekdays on retreat at home. I just spent the last three days doing just that.

Overall, I'd say this experience was humbling and enlightening. Though, not enlightening in the majestic enlightened being sense... but more like it simply threw light on parts of my nature which were formerly in darkness. (And, perhaps they were in darkness for good reason.)

It was, as Christopher points out, not easy.

Being back in worldly life (job, home, etc.) I'm noticing old patterns of being that are coming back to life. Most namely is that old beast Stress. And with it comes Stress' seductive sidekick - Entertainment. This compulsive movement away from stress has come creeping back on the scene. All of this has made for quite an interesting unfolding drama.

On day 3 of my retreat, something unexpected happened. I started compulsively making art. Yes, quite compulsive. I couldn't stop myself, and I can't say it was all that pleasant either. It felt more like a desparate escape from the unknown that I was sinking into in meditation, rather than a bountiful expression of love. But, I must say that if I am going to have a compulsive vice - art is a pretty good one. Who would've thought!

I notice I've been inquiring lately into the nature of control. I must say that I quite enjoy the moments when I discover how truely out of control all of this is. Life, Me, etc. "Out of Control." - what a beautiful phrase. Even just the sound of those words seem to brighten my heart. What a full expression of what it means to be alive. Perhaps it could be said that to be alive is to be out of control. In fact, maybe that's why I seem to like mandalas so much lately. There's something so totally out of control about an intricate mandala, something that seems like it might never end. It could keep multiplying and multiplying with infinite variety.

And yet, there is also aspiration, intention, creativity, resolve... cause and effect. The patterns within the chaos. One thought can create endless heavens or endless rounds in hell (and boy, did I take a tour of some hell realms over the last couple days).

Technically speaking, my meditation remained mostly scattered for the three days. My mind didn't ever fully settle down. Likewise, there wasn't much "depth" to the exploration. But, on the flip side, I think I really got to explore some fields of experience which may have been absent over the last year of my homeless wandering - compulsion being just one of those.

Compulsion... hmmm... just a little conjecture here... it's nature is to capture us, take us away, break us of any choice or control. We become it's slave, utterly powerless. And, yet... it's whole motive is to impose control onto experience, to create and re-create the ordinary and the familiar, to keep us within the field of the known. We lose control to our own controling instinct. It kind of reminds me of operation Iraqi Freedom.

Anyway, judging by the way I'm writing, something must have opened up in me because I'm being all philosophical right now. But it definitely wasn't "how I wanted it to go" - Ha!

I'll put the rest of my compulsive art mandalas in another post.

Be well.

"The Worldly Hope men set their Hearts upon
Turns Ashes -- or it prospers; and anon,
Like Snow upon the Desert's dusty Face
Lighting a little Hour or two -- is gone."

- Omar Khayyam

Taking Action with Karma Yoga

A poor child begs for food. A crippled man lies on the muddy road. A dying puppy shivers...

One can't fully engage in an exploration of India without feeling some sense that something needs to be done.

Karma Yoga: the path to divine union through worldly action. This is one of the practices given a big emphasis at the recent Dharma gatherings that I've attended. And the teachers don't just preach, they walk the talk too.

In Bodh Gaya, we were invited for a closer look at some of the charity work that Christopher Titmuss and friends have started over the last 36 years.

The afternoon after the end of the Bodh Gaya retreat, a group of us went to the nearby Prajna Vihar School. Every year, the school puts on a dance recital with performances from all grades - one through ten - for the benefit of the co-founders (including Christopher, and a big-hearted catholic nun from India named Sister Mary.) There is a video of the school online, if you want to see more. It is an inter-religious school for the poorest of the poor children in Bodh Gaya.

The dance recital was great fun, and a couple of the kids had some real talent! They were all very cute. The whole event ended with the Indian national anthem, and then a Bhangra dance party.

Only $40 (US) pays for one child's education for an entire year. There is very little infrastructure, no middle man, and the money goes right to the school. So, it's worth mentioning that if you have $40 to spare, then you can practice your Karma Yoga too. Info about donating is on their website.

We were also introduced to some other organizations: People First International, and also a young man who uses his physical therapy skills to help victims of polio in the village.

The next day, we came back for a tour into the nearby village land, to see some of the work that Sister Mary does through her organization, The Center for Women's Awakening.

Four Jeeps drove us to the outskirts of town where first we visited a small coaching center where local girls received tutoring for their high school certificates. Two girls had already gotten high school certificates and a handful more were working their way through the program.

Next, Sister Mary took us to the home of a local woman where we had a little cultural exchange gathering with about 30 local village women. It was a typical lower class village and the women told us that a typical wage might be about $2.00 (US) for work in the fields.

This small local women's movement was growing in strength. They were smiling over a small victory - they no longer refer to their husbands by the Hindi term that translates to "husband-god." They dropped the "god" and seemed quite happy about that.

When Sister Mary asked if any of them could read or write, about 4 of the women raised their hands with big grins. Apparently, these women were recently taught to write their names for the bank, and that was it.


Most of us agreed that despite the harsh conditions, these villagers had a certain dignity in their clay huts that was missing from the trash and cement of the city.

So, where to start with all the problems to solve? Throughout it all, I still feel my calling for solitude right now. I know the action will come. I'm taking one small action just writing this to you now. And, perhaps it fuels your karma yoga as well. From the stillness comes action, and in the action comes stillness. Now is my time for quiet retreat (rather than down and dirty action), but perhaps I can simply walk through the world just a little more open, a little more ready to share a smile. The little bits add up.

The photos are from the various outings, if you point your mouse over the photo, you can read the caption for each one. Enjoy!

Cushion Report: 20 Days in Bodh Gaya

This is the abbreviated version of my notes from my meditation retreat. I'm mostly posting the cushion reports for my Dhamma brothers and sisters out there who are walking the path as well. It may be a bit technical for those who haven't studied meditation as much. So, if that's the case, don't worry. It's just like my research report on my discoveries within the vast realm of this human mind phenomenon. If even that sounds a bit technical... well, I just like meditation, so I like to write about it too. Your comments and thoughts are welcome.

I had mostly been practicing Goenka-style Vipassana (posted about it earlier), and I was prepared for something different this time. The teachers seemed reluctant to give firm instructions like Goenka does, and rather they gave more responsibility to the yogi to find what works best for him. I ended up floundering with this for a while, and ultimately just went about using Goenka with a little bit more open mindfulness here and there, and occasional noting or inquiry. According to my notes, I didn't seem to really start practicing until about day 13. But, better late than never.

This being my first time in India, I had many challenges with the environment as well. But, you'll see as I go along with the report.

Here's the play-by-play...

Day 1:
Slowing down. Anapana. Settling mind. Typical of a day 1. Felt cold & flu symptoms coming on.

Day 2:
I recieved a warm India welcome - Illness! From my notes: "HELL DEATH PAIN." Head pain, fever, snot everywhere. Attempting to work with the illness, I had some profound moments of letting go. 2 specific moments which felt like dying - like I was ready to die - like I was letting go into a deeper peace. That was kinda cool - it was almost dissapointing to discover that actually I was still alive and... sick! Ha! Most of my attention, however, was on taking care of my body.

Day 3:
It got worse before it got better. "Lots of crying" Took medicine and then slept. Changed rooms to a single kuti. Dark room, alone in bed - heaven. Slept most of the day. Meditation-wise: Some moments of stabilizing or resting the mind. This seemed like maybe what Ajahn Brahm refers to as "the Nimmita," but not a stable nimmita. The mind was simply resting on a mental object. This kept me motivated to keep practicing despite the illness.

Day 4:
More sleep. Started getting confused by the multitude of teachings being suggested. I contemplated the impermanence of all this. From Goenka to Titmuss - Annica! Body was healing itself.

Day 5:
"Health Back to 75%. Sitting again." Lots of insights, plus more experiences of "stabilizing" concentration. Experienced some bliss, which is something I'm developing my capacity for. Each time I'm just a little more comfortable with it, and that feels like success. Progress was ungrounded however, and I started having lots of distracting thoughs (that will continue for some days) about "attainments" what a great meditation achievements I must be making, on and on... I knew that this couldn't possibly be helpful, but my mind was quite hooked on the subject. Very lost in the concept of "tasting Nibbana." Craving, excitation, etc.

Day 6:
Similar to day 5, more insights, more equanimity. Thoughts about equanimity, and equanimity with those thoughts. Equanimity with the craving, circular thinking, etc. Not what I expected in that it was more equanimous rather than joyful. It was just an ok-ness with everything. I explored this experience with no urgency to move past it. Still lots of commentary though.

Day 7:
More of the same. Progress with insights and practice. But, still comentary, attachments, excitation with each step of progress. Some moodiness. Still confused and lost about technique and teachings.

Day 8:
Practice is scattered, dull, and lost with occasional powerful insights. Health mostly better, but body pain still. Finally starting to adjust to India.

Day 9:
Still feeling lost and confused with technique. I interviewed with the teacher (Radha) and asked about it. She anwered, "middle path" and "whatever frees the mind." This didn't help much. I decided to just go on faith: "all questions are eventually answered through the practice."

Day 10:
Faith helped. Back to awareness and equanimity. Started getting a sense of what's meant by "formations." I described it in my notes like this: "seeing that this moment is not the last moment." Because this was the transition day between the two ten-day retreats, I took the afternoon to go sit under the Bodhi Tree! A cool advantage of sitting in Bodh Gaya! Christopher Titmuss showed up that evening with an epic opening talk. Very happy to have him here. Craving and excitement about it too.

Day 11:
Adjusting to "new" retreat. Still grappling with craving meditative attainment. Excitation, wanting, etc.

Day 12:
Finally, I just decided to drop all the "attainment" stuff. Slow day. Some doubt about why I'm even here or why do any of this. Some pain and confusion.

Day 13:
Doubt got worse, so I eventually sat down and asked my inner guidance what to do. Inner guidance gave a very clear response: "just do the retreat." This settled my mind considerably. Ease and ok-ness now. Staying with direct experience.

Day 14:
Mind calming. Remembering a lot of old "lessons learned" and getting back in the groove of practice. Doing less, being more.

Day 15:
Christopher said: "harcore buddhists are just a nightmare!" Funny! I went deeper into being with direct experience. Relaxing, happier.

Day 16:
Chill day!
Tranquility and Joy. Lots of "just sitting" and not using any technique. Loving the retreat and most everything around me. Finally letting go. Concious and relaxed.

Day 17:
From note: "PAIN. Lots of pain." I think I overdid it with the sitting yesterday. Body soreness, physical pain. Sore muscles. Thoughts starting to come up about "after the retreat," so concentration weakening a bit.

Day 18:
Pains and doubts - worry about if I have some physical condition. Lots of time in bed. Christopher suggested "moving the energy" with yoga or a brisk walk. This maybe helped a little, but mostly staying in bed helped. Very bright vivid lucid dream at night. Still relaxing into the ups and downs of experience. Restlessness about the end of the retreat building.

Day 19:
More pain in body. Christopher led an inquiry about "what is nirvana?" and it was phenomenal! I felt big chunk of misconception dropping away. Some deep and profound insights that I can't really explain in word. Practice was strong, but still overcome with body pain. Lots of time in bed. Contemplating dukkha (suffering).

Day 20:
It's over. From notes: "amazing level of happiness and trust throughout the pain."

Anyway, I hope this long and very personal report of my inner adventure may be of value to my Dhamma brothers and sisters. It's pretty weird to share such intimate inner stuff with the world (and there's a good chance that meditation teachers would advise against it), but I guess I just like getting naked sometimes.

Be Happy.

Bodh Gaya Retreats 2010

My first sight when entering the Thai monastery was the brilliant gold temple that sits at the center of the complex. It's perhaps the most impressive temple of all the different traditions which have monasteries in Bodh Gaya (Japan, Nepal, Bhutan, Tibet, China, Myanmar, etc.) With the surrounding garden, kept finely manicured, it was an incredible backdrop for the retreat, and like a small teleport into Thailand itself.

Despite the welcoming temple garden, the accommodations were a bit more modest. Christopher Titmuss (the main instructor for the retreat and a former monk in Thailand) referred to the retreat facilities as "almost one-star." But, I've got to say, it was cleaner and quieter than most everything else in Bodh Gaya.

Check-in was at 2PM, and everything was quite straightforward. A group of western travelers, looking a bit weary from their adventures on the road gathered in front of the meditation hall for a first interview with the teacher. After that, we were given a tour and asked to find our spot in the dormitories.

The men were mostly put into the large basement underneath the temple itself! What an auspicious location to have monks chanting twice a day, and pilgrims coming to pay their respects - all just above our beds. We were each given a nice cot, a mosquito net, and a blanket, and everyone started to assemble their little nest.

We were shown the schedule, the dining area, and then left to settle in before that evening's opening talk.

Much of the garden and monastic complex was open for our wanderings, and also for our walking meditation throughout the course. There was even a rooftop terrace which gave a little peak out into the rest of Bodh Gaya, or a great place to enjoy the sunset.

The first 10 days were led by Rada Nicholson, who also co-lead the second 10 days with Christopher Titmuss. The teachings were diverse and rich with many different approaches, not only from Buddhism, but paying homage to much of the diverse Indian and Hindu contributions to spirituality. It's hard to put into a few words the teachings of 20 days, but I'll try my best to say a little bit.

If I were to sum up the teachings, I'd say that Rada's main message was simply to free the mind and find the state where death no longer exists - "no more coming and going." Perhaps it was a bit abstract. I just let the teachings sink in and rest in the depths of my mind wherever they landed.

I'd summarize Christopher's main message as "take a deep and genuine interest in life. No stone left unturned." I found this message to be incredibly inspiring and practical. The invitation was to really savor, explore and question every experience as it is, without placing any demand on reality to be anything other than simply reality.

But, of course, they said much more than that. The meditation techniques were based loosely on the Great Discourse on the Establishing of Mindfulness. The teachings were held loosely with the responsibility being on the meditator to find what's best for him or her. This was definitely different from my past experience with Goenka where he tells you exactly what to do and when, but I must say that now I have a great appreciation for both approaches. I can see the benefits of both, and I really appreciate how the greater freedom of this retreat actually sets a high bar for the meditator to be able to call on his own wisdom.

I think this was Christopher's aim: to encourage the meditators to become responsible and conscious human beings who don't need to rely on one technique, one teacher, or one instruction. But rather, that a conscious human being has the insight, the patience, and the wisdom to be able to navigate every circumstance of life in a fresh, creative, and lively way.

When the retreat began, we were given a thali plate to use for the whole retreat and the food was great. Porridge and bananas for breakfast every morning with a little variation, and about 4 different Indian dishes everyday for lunch. They served some fruit with tea in the evening, as well. And, lots of chai! It was all quite delicious, but after 20 days of Indian food, I'm ready for something a little different today.

The fellow retreatants were an interesting mix, and Christopher had to make a statement at the end explaining that it was actually a much different retreat than ever before. He referred to it as the "most unsettled retreat in 36 years of doing the Bodh Gaya retreats!"

People were having little whispers and conversations here and there. Couples were hanging out together. Some were reading books or doing paintings in the garden. Some took long naps with the puppies on the lawn. A few of the students got quite angry at the teachers at a few points. And to top it off, Radha's daughter got malaria at the beginning and nearly died in one of the monk's huts during the first 10 days. But, when it comes down to it, there's something about a retreat that makes it hard not to just love everyone else there. They are the Sangha - the brothers and sisters in practice. Nothing would be possible without the community.

I got pretty sick myself, with a high fever on day 2, and I spent most of days 3 and 4 in bed. Luckily, they had a nurse there who had volunteered to be the "medical manager" for the retreat, and they even had a couple cozy rooms reserved as sick rooms especially for us.

On day 4, a Hindi festival began and I awoke from a nap to blaring Bhangra music from a nearby sound system. I mean loud! Radha even decided to include it in a guided meditation on "just hearing, just listening." One of the many fun benefits of meditating in India. There were quite a few days of this music, as well as a parade that past by the monastery one afternoon, barking dogs, singing roosters, and more.

The animals were fun, but we were told that touching them was strictly forbidden, and for good reason. They were not clean, and I'd often see a dog vomiting on our walking paths, etc.

Perhaps one of the most inspiring parts of the retreat was the emphasis on Buddhism in action. They were insistent that we don't just sit on the cushion, but that we actually bring whatever wisdom we gain out into the world and share it with others. Christopher hit hard on topics like politics, economics, education, and false spirituality with hopes of shaking up our rigid world views a little.

It wasn't just talk, however, they also introduced a number of local charities that have been greatly benefited by the retreatants over the years. When the retreat finished, I took part in some of the activities sponsored by these charities, so I'll write more about that soon. It was great to see this kind of community involvement, and I think it should be an inspiration for other meditation retreats worldwide to really question how they can benefit their community in more ways than just offering dhamma teachings.

There was a lot of love, and I felt inspired seeing how happy everyone on the retreat was amidst all the craziness of India.

I hope to go back someday for perhaps a more "settled" retreat, and I'd definitely recommend it to anyone else looking for a taste of the Dhamma at it's very source.

India Dreamin' (Travel Plans For January)

Ten Days Left in the USA!

I'm gettin' a little antsy in my pantsy over this ...I'm excited! In ten days, I'll be boarding a plane heading off for my next grand adventure.

Here's my itinerary to start with: The trip to my first destination will be a four day trip. (At least I should get in a lot of airplane meditation.)
January 12th - San Francisco to LA
January 13th/14th - LA to Tokyo to Bangkok
January 15th - Bangkok to Kolkata (Calcutta)
January 15th/16th - Overnight train to Gaya
January 16th - auto-rickshaw to Bodh Gaya

I chose Bodh Gaya as my first stop because I wanted to attend the annual Bodh Gaya Retreat led by Christopher Titmuss and some of his other co-instructors.

January 17th to Feb 6th - Silent Retreat in Bodh Gaya, India.

The perfect place to start a trip, Bodh Gaya is the town where the Buddha is said to have attained Enlightenment. And, there is even a tree in the middle of town which is said to be a grandchild of the very tree under which the Buddha sat.

"This Truth, won to by me, is deep, difficult to see, difficult to understand, peaceful, excellent, beyond dialectic, subtle, to be experienced by the wise... This that through many toils I've won"
- The Buddha (upon his enlightenment)

I've been told by fellow meditators that a retreat in Bodh Gaya will inevitably have a special energy to it. The entire city is said to be a center of Buddhist practice in India (though in the country of it's origin only 0.76% of Indians are Buddhist). A world famous pilgrimage spot as well, Buddhist practitioners come from all over the world. Literally, it is said to be a Buddhist bouquet - red and yellow robes of Tibetan monks, the saffron robes of south-east Asia. Black and gray robes of China, Korea, and Japan.

The teachers of the retreat aren't any whom I've studied with before. However, Christopher Titmuss was a monk under Ajahn Buddhadasa at Wat Suan Mokh in Thailand, and this is where I first learned Vipassana (although many years after Titmuss had left, and after Buddhadasa had died.) Christopher Titmuss has a number of his discourses available online in mp3s (many which were recorded at previous Bodh Gaya retreats.) I've listened to a bit, and liked what I heard.

I'm definitely looking forward to this opportunity, and to my longest retreat yet (20 consecutive days).

After my sit, I plan to hang out in Bodh Gaya for a bit and get a chance to actually see some of India... with my eyes open! I also plan to visit some other Buddhist pilgrimage spots while on my way up to Nepal for more meditation. I'll write more about February's travel plans a little later on.

Wish me safe travels!