Cushion Report: Meditation Payday!

"In the hard meditations you build up your strength, which creates the momentum for peace. Then when there is enough credit, the mind goes into a good meditation, and it is a payday."
- Ajahn Brahm

I've been reading the words of the Australian monk, Ajahn Brahm, lately. He uses the simile of the payday and basically says that you'd be crazy to go to work and expect every day to be payday, you'd be even crazier to go to work and expect every moment to be a payday. Yet, what a temptation it is to want every moment of meditation to be paying big returns.

Well, it just so happens that I have just arisen from something of a payday meditation, and I decided to write about it before my memory fades.

I woke up feeling angry and hurt about my Big Issue #3 (which used to be my Big Issue #1 about a month ago - I'll spare you the details.) As is my custom, I greeted it with a "hello, Big Issue #3," and I resolved to work on it later today, but first... meditation.

Already, this was a triumph because I can often be so swamped by the Big Issues in my life that I roll in thoughts and emotions for a while without a moment's peace. But instead, I put it aside and let it go. Big win. And, as I sat down and began my meditation, I was pleasantly surprised to find how flexible was the quality of my mind to let it all go.

I decided to work with the breath (anapanasati), since this is what I'd been reading about most recently.

About 15 minutes in, I started to notice a very subtle but important distinction about the quality of my awareness. I noticed that there was a way I could simply "know" the breath directly, and there was also a way I could effort to "concentrate" on the breath. The knowing was just like this: "The breath is here. There it is. I don't have to do anything. It's right there. And, I know it because there it is." The efforting was like this: "ok, let me concentrate. Focus. THIS is the breath. STAY with it..."

I also noticed that although the mind was wandering about somewhat for these first 15 minutes, there was also a quieter stillness that was underneath the inner dialogue. And, in that stillness was the breath, just continuing on.

In seeing all this, I really got a direct hit of the art of letting go. I witnessed that what is often described as "concentrating on the breath," is really more of a "letting go into the breath" and into the silence and stillness. And with that, I stopped the efforting.

For the next 15 minutes, I simply stayed with the breath in effortlessness. The mind would wander here and there, or it would begin to effort again, but I would just come back to that direct knowing of the breath.

After about 30 minutes of meditation, the breath began to become more and more subtle, and I was experience more and more of the small details. I was with the breath more continuously. And, it became more and more peaceful and quiet.

Then, the piti-sukha came (the bliss, the joy, the happiness). I felt it come over my face and chest in tingles, and a deeper bliss started to evolve from my first chakra. For a while, bliss has been a real sticking point for me that I've started to explore (which is why I got the book from Ajahn Brahm in the first place). I had all sorts of beliefs and hangups about bliss that were not helping me and I've been starting to shed them. And, slowly over the last few months I've been coming to terms with my love-hate-fear-guilt-misunderstanding relationship with bliss. So, I've given the instructions to command central (in my mind) that when bliss comes: remain calm, remain equanimous, allow it, let go, and let it be. These instructions have been helpful, though the opportunities for application have been few and far between.

So, my first thought was just a thought of recognition. "Oh... bliss." Then, my next thought was, "this is ok, just let it be." Soon after that, I realized that this was quite uncommon for my daily meditations, that this was something more likely to occur on retreat. Hence the recognition: "payday!"

It lasted probably for about a minute before all my habitual reactions jumped in. "Oh, this is scary." "Oh this is wild." "Oh, this is so wonderful." "Oh, I shouldn't be thinking about it, I should keep practicing." "Oh, I'm not letting it be. LET IT BE, damn it!" "Oh, that's not letting it be. I'm not very good at this." "Oh crap, it's gone."

This little dialogue wasn't anything new, although it was a bit quieter this time than it's been in the past. What was cool is that for the next 30 minutes I kept practicing and working with all this aftermath. I really put my attention on the "keep practicing" voice itself and noticed it to be the same voice as the "efforting" I mentioned above - in fact, the voice that says "keep practicing" is a big OBSTACLE to the practice itself! Ha! I realized that I wasn't letting go into my experience, but I was trying to control and overcome it... again. And, I recognized that letting go would mean letting go into the entire storm of reactions that arose from those moments of bliss.

So, I started to let go again. And, then... all of a sudden... the alarm went off, and my hour was finished. Ha! I was so peaceful, so tranquil, so calm, that I didn't even want to move or break my posture to turn the alarm off. The entire meditation passed so easily and effortlessly through the hour. And, I hardly felt attached to it at all, either.

So, this is what I would call a payday meditation. What I'm taking away from it is the deeper realization of the nature of letting go. And, the deeper realization of what it means to observe the breath without any observer. I'm sure there will be many more deeper cuts into both of those insights in due time.

Hopefully, in the future I can write a description of one of my "strength building" meditations too. They can't all be paydays, and they aren't either!