Six Months At The California Vipassana Center

If you don't know, I spent the last six months living at the California Vipassana Center, in North Fork, CA. A center devoted to the practice and instruction of Vipassana meditation as taught by S.N. Goenka. And, I wanted to share some of the photos, stories, thoughts, and reflections on my experience there.

When I first arrived, I really had no idea what to expect. I had been to the center about 4 times before, but only for a week or two at a time. What was I getting myself into? I gave up my home and my job and most of my stuff to follow a dream. But, what was the dream? Was I just out of my mind?

Well, whatever I had in store, I decided to really go for it 100% and really give it a fair trial. I shaved my head and my face clean just after I arrived, and then, yes... I let it grow... and grow... and grow. I was told I looked a little like one of my idols, Henry David Thoreau. (that's the kitchen behind me.)

Awareness and equanimity. That's the practice in a nutshell. Everyday, every second, every moment, remain aware, remain equanimous. Every day we meditate at least three hours.

The center runs 10 day courses for anyone who's willing to give up all their entertainments, phone, email, gadgets, comforts, and meditate 12 hours a day. The courses usually bring in about 75% new students, and 25% students who are returning for a second, third, or even eighteenth helping of silent meditation.

Over the six months I was there, I was a student for five 10-day courses (all silent, nothing but meditation). And, I served about six 10-day courses as well, mostly working in the kitchen serving up tasty vegetarian dishes to nourish and sustain my fellow meditators. I also worked on various projects around the campus, such as painting buildings, running a cable through a trench in the ground, shampooing carpets, installing hardwood floor, and more. The photo to the left is the barn I was staying in most of the time I was there.

This photo is one of the walking paths. I spent many hours slowly walking these paths to exercise my legs.

I must admit that sometimes my experiences were some of the most painful I've ever experienced in my life. Some experiences were incredibly beautiful too. The point, though, isn't so much what kind of experience arises, but rather how we react.

There was a quote which really served as my inspiration throughout the hard times:

"The meditator dwells enduring equanimously the fruition of his or her past actions, no matter how painful, severe, sharp and terrible they are." - Buddha (SN 1.1.168)

This is one of the men's residential buildings. They aren't the most luxury accommodations, but they do the trick for those who are practicing renunciation for a week or two. As soon as I arrived at the center, it became very clear that this tradition was designed for "householders" - that is to say, not for monks. It's a little funny, since I don't hold a house, and I don't have a wife and kids. Though, I'm certainly no monk either. The tradition has a lot of elements which reveal the Burmese and Indian cultures from which it comes.

The center is full of wildlife. Every night as the day came to an end, we would always send our blessings to all the beings on the meditation campus - big and small, visible or invisible, wishing them happiness and liberation. I think the animals must feel it. I saw a jack rabbit, tarantulas, lots of deer, lizards, gophers, and more. Unfortunately, I never got to see the fox, the bobcat, or the scorpions, but I heard the stories.

I spent the first few weeks living in a tent. It was summer, and hot (up near 108 degrees F.) And by the time I left in December, I had enjoyed at least one snowfall.

They affectionately call it "dhamma land," and it definitely has it's own unique quality to it. Peaceful, harmonious, and simple. May All Deer Be Happy!

Peeking through the trees here, you can see the assistant teacher's (AT) residence. The assistant teachers are students of meditation like the rest of us, but with a fair amount of experience. They vary from course to course, and come from all over the world to give service here. They don't receive any money, and so in general they are all financially independent on their own. The main teaching, however, comes on video tapes and audio tapes of S.N. Goenka himself. I'm hoping I might get the chance to see Goenka when I go to India. He's in his eighties and not doing well physically, but I've heard he still makes an appearance now and then.

Of course, one of the most common questions I get is "what did you get out of it?" Well, some cool photos, some new friends, some good memories. But, really it's not at all about what I got out of it. It's about what I got rid of. I let go of so many memories that were no longer serving me. I let go of so many old patterns of generating suffering for myself. I let go of fears, and anger, and rage, and judgments, and anxieties. I even let go of cravings, desires and fantasies of things which may have seemed quite harmless on the surface, but really only served to take me away from the present moment.

I think it's hard to even describe it well enough to do it justice. But, the peace and happiness and contentment that's available after ditching all the unneccesary self-centered junk, well, it's the greatest blessing I could've possibly recieved.

I feel so incredibly grateful for the opportunity, and I wouldn't hesitate to recommend it to anyone else out there who's even thinking of it. It's not always easy, but who said things would be easy? And, the sunset's always seemed to have a way of saying that everything really is alright in the end.

For more photos, check out my Picasa photostream.

[Update: Some people have asked me questions regarding this post, so I've started a FAQ here, feel free to contact me with any other questions)

Cushion Report: Meditation Payday!

"In the hard meditations you build up your strength, which creates the momentum for peace. Then when there is enough credit, the mind goes into a good meditation, and it is a payday."
- Ajahn Brahm

I've been reading the words of the Australian monk, Ajahn Brahm, lately. He uses the simile of the payday and basically says that you'd be crazy to go to work and expect every day to be payday, you'd be even crazier to go to work and expect every moment to be a payday. Yet, what a temptation it is to want every moment of meditation to be paying big returns.

Well, it just so happens that I have just arisen from something of a payday meditation, and I decided to write about it before my memory fades.

I woke up feeling angry and hurt about my Big Issue #3 (which used to be my Big Issue #1 about a month ago - I'll spare you the details.) As is my custom, I greeted it with a "hello, Big Issue #3," and I resolved to work on it later today, but first... meditation.

Already, this was a triumph because I can often be so swamped by the Big Issues in my life that I roll in thoughts and emotions for a while without a moment's peace. But instead, I put it aside and let it go. Big win. And, as I sat down and began my meditation, I was pleasantly surprised to find how flexible was the quality of my mind to let it all go.

I decided to work with the breath (anapanasati), since this is what I'd been reading about most recently.

About 15 minutes in, I started to notice a very subtle but important distinction about the quality of my awareness. I noticed that there was a way I could simply "know" the breath directly, and there was also a way I could effort to "concentrate" on the breath. The knowing was just like this: "The breath is here. There it is. I don't have to do anything. It's right there. And, I know it because there it is." The efforting was like this: "ok, let me concentrate. Focus. THIS is the breath. STAY with it..."

I also noticed that although the mind was wandering about somewhat for these first 15 minutes, there was also a quieter stillness that was underneath the inner dialogue. And, in that stillness was the breath, just continuing on.

In seeing all this, I really got a direct hit of the art of letting go. I witnessed that what is often described as "concentrating on the breath," is really more of a "letting go into the breath" and into the silence and stillness. And with that, I stopped the efforting.

For the next 15 minutes, I simply stayed with the breath in effortlessness. The mind would wander here and there, or it would begin to effort again, but I would just come back to that direct knowing of the breath.

After about 30 minutes of meditation, the breath began to become more and more subtle, and I was experience more and more of the small details. I was with the breath more continuously. And, it became more and more peaceful and quiet.

Then, the piti-sukha came (the bliss, the joy, the happiness). I felt it come over my face and chest in tingles, and a deeper bliss started to evolve from my first chakra. For a while, bliss has been a real sticking point for me that I've started to explore (which is why I got the book from Ajahn Brahm in the first place). I had all sorts of beliefs and hangups about bliss that were not helping me and I've been starting to shed them. And, slowly over the last few months I've been coming to terms with my love-hate-fear-guilt-misunderstanding relationship with bliss. So, I've given the instructions to command central (in my mind) that when bliss comes: remain calm, remain equanimous, allow it, let go, and let it be. These instructions have been helpful, though the opportunities for application have been few and far between.

So, my first thought was just a thought of recognition. "Oh... bliss." Then, my next thought was, "this is ok, just let it be." Soon after that, I realized that this was quite uncommon for my daily meditations, that this was something more likely to occur on retreat. Hence the recognition: "payday!"

It lasted probably for about a minute before all my habitual reactions jumped in. "Oh, this is scary." "Oh this is wild." "Oh, this is so wonderful." "Oh, I shouldn't be thinking about it, I should keep practicing." "Oh, I'm not letting it be. LET IT BE, damn it!" "Oh, that's not letting it be. I'm not very good at this." "Oh crap, it's gone."

This little dialogue wasn't anything new, although it was a bit quieter this time than it's been in the past. What was cool is that for the next 30 minutes I kept practicing and working with all this aftermath. I really put my attention on the "keep practicing" voice itself and noticed it to be the same voice as the "efforting" I mentioned above - in fact, the voice that says "keep practicing" is a big OBSTACLE to the practice itself! Ha! I realized that I wasn't letting go into my experience, but I was trying to control and overcome it... again. And, I recognized that letting go would mean letting go into the entire storm of reactions that arose from those moments of bliss.

So, I started to let go again. And, then... all of a sudden... the alarm went off, and my hour was finished. Ha! I was so peaceful, so tranquil, so calm, that I didn't even want to move or break my posture to turn the alarm off. The entire meditation passed so easily and effortlessly through the hour. And, I hardly felt attached to it at all, either.

So, this is what I would call a payday meditation. What I'm taking away from it is the deeper realization of the nature of letting go. And, the deeper realization of what it means to observe the breath without any observer. I'm sure there will be many more deeper cuts into both of those insights in due time.

Hopefully, in the future I can write a description of one of my "strength building" meditations too. They can't all be paydays, and they aren't either!

Know All Things To Be Like This...

What is this strange world we're living in? Strange, beautiful, bizarre, ordinary, simple, complex?

I've heard the following words of the Buddha before, but never knew where they came from. So, I decided that I had to find it and post it up here. I find it very inspiring. Supposedly, it comes from the Samadhiraja Sutra, which according to wikipedia, was written a few hundred years after the Buddha died. So, I don't know what that says about who the real author is, but who really cares?

Excerpt from The Samadhi Raja Sutra

Know all things to be like this:
A mirage, a cloud castle,
A dream, an apparition,
Without essence but with qualities than can be seen.

Know all things to be like this:
As the moon in a bright sky
In some clear lake reflected
Though to that lake the moon has never moved.

Know all things to be like this:
As people who have gone alone to mountain solitudes,
Or forests hear the echo of laughter, songs and weeping
But see not nor hear a thing.

Know all things to be like this:
As an echo that derives
From music, sounds and weeping,
Yet in that echo is no melody.

Know all things to be like this:
Just as you a dream enjoy
But when you wake see nothing
Only fools will yearn and hanker for this pleasure.

Know all things to be like this:
As a magician makes illusions
Of horses, oxen, carts and other things,
Nothing is as it appears.

Know all things to be like this:
A young woman in a dream
May see her son both born and dead.
Yet when he dies she is sad,
While at his birth she was overjoyed.

Know all things to be like this:
As at midnight the bright moon
Appears in water crystal-clear, yet
There is no moon and grasped it cannot be.

Know all things to be like this:
At noon in midsummer
A man by thirst torment, marching on,
Sees a mirage as a pool of water.

Know all things to be like this:
If in a mirage there's no water
Only fools will want to drink it,
For it can never be drunk.

Know all things to be like this:
If you split weeds to find their marrow,
You will always fail. In the same way
Within and without is nothing.

A Heart As Wide As The World (The Book)

"The world of silence and intuitive understanding that we enter in meditation is perhaps unlike any place we have known before." - Sharon Salzberg, "A Heart As Wide As The World"

I recently read Sharon Salzberg's book, subtitled "Stories on the Path of Lovingkindness." This is a book review, but not in the sense that I'm gonna feed you my opinions about what was good or bad about the book. In the other sense of the word "review," I'm actually just reviewing what I got out of the book so that I might retain a bit more of what I learned. I put some bookmarks in where I got some good stuff, so I'll share those with you here.

In the book, each chapter is a small story illustrating an important point about meditation. Each chapter is a bite size chunk complete in itself, and that makes it fun to read. Here are some of the bites I really savored...

When she talks about concentration on an object (such as the breath), I was particularly moved by this passage, "there is almost a sense of cherishing the concentration object; sometimes, it's as if we are protecting it. But we never need to clutch it tightly or grimly; we simply practice with a quality of devotion." I like those words: cherishing, and devotion. Yes. What mind wouldn't want to be cherished and to experience devotion?

When she discusses remorse, I found myself moved again by the wisdom of her meditation teacher, Sayadaw U Pandita. He was talking with a student who was experiencing tremendous guilt and remorse over an incident in his past. This was the Sayadaw's advice, "'The honest knowledge that you have done wrong is painful. You are your own best witness; you can't hide from yourself. Now it is time to move on; watch the painful feeling peacefully, without aversion, and your mind will feel ease.'" Just reading those words, my mind begins to feel ease. Before meditation, I had no idea how many painful memories I was holding on to. But, "now it is time to move on." ahhhh...

The chapter called "Seeing Pain," was also quite useful for direct application in my meditation practice. "Explore the texture of pain rather than feeling crushed by it," she writes.

She also sprinkles in some great quotes from other wise beings, many of which I'd never heard before. I love great quotes, so here are just a few:

"The dancer Isadora Duncan once said: 'If I could tell you what it meant, there would be no point in dancing it.'"

"Our lives are made up, as Emerson put it, of 'the vanishing volatile froth of the present which any shadow will alter, any thought blow away, any event annihilate.'"

"Ghandi described his life mission in just three words: 'Renounce and enjoy.'"

If I were to distill the whole book down in my mind to one core message, I think it was really an inspiration to be kind to ourselves, to give ourselves to each moment, and to live fully with a heart wide open.

14 Tips For A Successful Meditation Retreat

I found this short article on InteractiveBuddha.com. I read it while I was on my six month retreat, and I must say that I found it very helpful. I'd definitely recommend it as a good quick read for anyone who is planning a meditation retreat. They may seem like common sense at first glance, but it's often surprising how easily our mind's can trick us and we can fall into obviously useless patterns of behavior.

So take a look. Here's a quick preview, but I highly recommend you read the entire article here.

"1. Remember how precious an opportunity to practice on retreat is...
2. Your own practice is the essential thing...
3. Follow the instructions...
4. Report your attempts to follow their instructions when you meet with the teachers...
5. Avoid wallowing in your "stuff" at all costs...
6. Don't kill your knees or back...
7. Don't project your stuff all over the other retreatants...
8. Don't worry if they are or are not all smiling at you...
9. Realize that anywhere there are people, there will be trouble...
10. Similarly, realize that wherever there is good spiritual practice, there will be neurotic religion...
11. Realize that learning and growth always involves suffering...
12. Go on a long enough retreat if you possibly can...
13. Aim high...
14. Practice hard, but don't take yourself too seriously..."
- Daniel Ingram, InteractiveBuddha.com

With that said, I get a little chuckle out of this list because once the silence begins, all rules go out the window. And, there's no telling what will happen or what my crazy mind will decide to fixate on. Perhaps the 15th tip should be "Resistance is futile."

Vipassana As Taught By S.N. Goenka

"What we observe is not nature itself, but nature exposed to our method of questioning." - Werner Heisenberg

Perhaps one of the most difficult things about meditation is how difficult it is to describe to others. If I could invite you along for the journey, I surely would. But, it's something that happens with eyes closed, in silence. How to describe silence? Well, all I can say is that it's a whole heck of a lot more than what you might expect.

For anyone interested in meditation, the only thing I would recommend is to do it. Find out for yourself. And, don't wait either. It's like nothing else we do as human beings.

As far as the tradition of S.N. Goenka, I thought it was wonderful. It is strict. It is tough. It is purpose oriented. It's also very simple. It's focused. It's alive. I'd love to say more than that, but I really get lost for words.

Goenka's centers have a huge bonus in that they are free to attend, and run entirely on the donations of students who have already attended at least one 10-day course. The other huge bonus is that they are all over the world!

I'll leave it at that for now. But, here's a great video of S.N. Goenka speaking at the U.N. Peace Summit. It's a wonderful look at his philosophy and teachings...



~ Be Happy ~

The Empty Vessel

"If your mind is empty, it is always ready for anything"
- Shunryu Suzuki Roshi

Here lies an empty blog. Who knows what will fill it up? Like the empty vessel of my mind, I never know what will pop up next. And as I empty my mind onto the pages of this blog in posts to come, I only hope that there will be a reader out there in internet land who will enjoy my efforts.

The photos will be, for the most part, as seen from my own camera lens, and the words from my own finger tips. I wish I could also take credit for whatever intelligence, wisdom, or humor may arise. But really, I think I'm probably just getting lucky.

I always get nervous about beginning something new. Perhaps because I imagine that there might be some hairy growling monsters dressed in rags who will read this and then come and grab me with their claws and eat me alive while making lots of slurrping sounds and giggling. That would be a most unfortunate result of such a simple internet venture - but at this point, it's just a risk I'm going to have to take.

If you find yourself getting bored or lost, or you just don't want to read anymore, then I'll offer you now a short summary of everything I will ever write. Here it goes: I love you; I'm traveling; I like to meditate; I hope you're happy; Human Beings are weird; Be well.

“There is no moment of delight in any pilgrimage like the beginning of it.” – Charles Dudley Warner

My Original Charcoal Paintings

These are some of my charcoal paintings. I learned this technique in Thailand about 6 years ago, and most of the paintings were done after that. I haven't done much in a while, but I still love it.

These first paintings were original works based on photos I took:









These two were based on photos I got on the internet, but with my own artistic touch.





These two were projects I was assigned from my teacher while I was doing my apprenticeship. You may recognize them as pretty famous photos (national geographic, I believe).





Here's a photo of my teacher, and one of his works. He was incredible!