Although it's a weird experience for me to try to share my meditations through these cushion reports, I've gotten some really great feedback that a number of people have gotten inspired to start meditating again. I smile, hearing that.
So, here is the report from my six day self-retreat here in Mcleod Ganj. I've edited this report down a lot. Usually, I'm not a fan of censorship, but there were a couple reasons:
1. It was REALLY long.
2. It probably just wouldn't make much sense to those who haven't practice meditation as much.
3. It may have inadvertently confused, offended, bored, depressed, upset (or who knows what else) to those who weren't really interested in reading that much detail. (If you find such a reaction anyway, please just disregard my ramblings and be happy!)
Anyway, here it goes ~
...
I'd been thinking about meditation and how it's like a completely different movement of the mind. Like a 5th dimension. Time, Space, and (to steal a word from Stephen Colbert) "Truthiness"... a dimension of truthiness from illusion to the Ultimate. And, meditation is movement along that 5th dimension.
I'm staying in Mcleod Ganj, India (home of the Dalai Lama), and thought it'd be good for a little self retreat (6 days). I managed it on about $7 per day for room and board, and had a beautiful rooftop terrace to do my walking meditation on (with eagles flying overhead!) I may come back and do it again someday, as it worked so well.
I was reading a little bit of Ch. 4 and 5 of
Mastering The Core Teachings Of The Buddha to prepare, when something clicked. I instantly wanted to return to the lab and continue the experiment. I made a strong resolve to start right away and spend the entire six days focused on stepping out of the story and into the ultimate. To travel the 5th dimension!
With this boost of inspiration, I started strong, with long stretches of concentration - not missing a single breath. Psychological "stuff" started to emerge after about 3 hours of this, and moving into Day 2 as well. I felt like how I imagine the start of a Peyote trip would be. I was emotionally vomiting all the anger, blame, tightness, and other "stuff" that had been clogged up.
Around 3:00PM on Day 2, rather suddenly, the storm simply passed. There was calm, and the "trip" was officially underway.
Day 3: I switched from breath to sensations and my concentration was beginning to return. By the afternoon, I was getting emotional again, but this time with a heart much wider open. Not so much caught up in my personal story, but more filled with compassion for all beings.
I was feeling the pain of the Indian working man on the street... feeling the vulnerability of life when one customer spending 200 rupees ($5) could make or break your day! My heart ached.
Keeping with the meditation into the evening, I decided to attend the candle light march through the streets of Mcleod Ganj that night. The monks and lay people had gathered in protest of the killing of innocent Tibetans in China. This brought up a lot of emotions, and in particular there was one monk who every time I looked at him, I started crying. The look on his face told the a profound story. The release came from deep in my belly. There is a photo I took of him to the left.
The morning of Day 4: concentration was weak again. I realized that I was still only at the surface of the mind with the tears, thoughts, and insights. And, I realized that going to the depth (going to truthiness) meant going to the bare sensations.
Regroup and keep practicing.
Day 4 afternoon: I was having a rough time (lots of pain), so I decided to journal. My journaling itself became part of the process and after about 20 minutes I was dropping into some pretty profound states of peace. But, more important than the peace, I was really seeing Anicca (impermanence) from moment to moment with all that was arising. This lead to the awakening of equanimity within.
After this, my mind continued to calm down and sink into the peace. More ease, less suffering. Pains loosened, energy flowing. I didn't sleep much that night.
Day 5 morning: Energy channels were opening and flowing. Waves of pleasant sensations and relaxation through the body. When the mind was resting on objects, anicca (impermanence) and anatta (not-self) were seen.
The surface was happy and calm, but also present was a subtle restlessness and aversion to slowing down any more. Not sitting - pain in neck, back, hips, knees, but this was a quieter pain now. This felt like healing.
The resistance was now at a much subtler level. Equanimity was strong and very balanced. I continued to apply effort to keep peeling off layers from that core agitation, while also maintaining the balanced mind. Equanimity continued to strengthen into the afternoon. More energy was flowing, more peace. Concentration was still scattered, so I kept the effort on.
Morning of Day 6: Up at 4AM. Equanimity was still strong, and lots of Joy. With this came also lots of Pride, Arrogance, and rehearsing conversations. When I saw the pride and restless mind, I resolved to put fierce effort into anapana and still the mind. I spent about 2 hours in a battle (loving but fierce) to keep attention with the breath. It felt very appropriate, and then I just let go and napped for abut 30 minutes.
Upon awakening again, I had a beautiful full body contraction with quivering. A "relaxing into, and release." (Feels kinda like finally going to the bathroom when you've been waiting a couple years to go)
Despite the anapana, the mind was still wandering. However, mindfulness and investigation were strengthening while equanimity was solid. "Discipline and acceptance - continue the process. Breath by Breath." - I wrote in my journal.
This continued through the morning and into the afternoon. Self-image defenses were arising, along with body pain again. Another storm had hit, but equanimity and happiness were still present and very little involvement with "my stuff."
Practicing a tip from Thanissarro Bhikkhu, I focused on the sensations of the Joy. This spread into more joy and metta. "Metta for my body, metta for my mom, metta for my watch, metta for my camera." This dance of pain and equanimity continued into the night.
Day 7: Retreat's over. I took a wonderful 18km hike up into the base of the Himalayas. (
see my other blog post) I noticed a lot of residual restlessness and agitation, but overall I had a good "transition back day."
A quick note about posture: Given my recent health troubles, I took a resolve to "Gentle Perseverance" (Thanks,
Constance Casey). During this retreat, I probably spent about 1 hour per day sitting, 1 hour per day walking, a couple hours around town and eating meals, etc. And, about 8-10 hours per day meditating in bed lying down (not to mention about 8 hours of sleep each night). A LOT of time in bed. Not very zazen of me, but it seemed to work well, and it didn't seem to impede much on the experiment at all.
Looking back on the whole thing now, I can see the very clear cycle of storms and peace coming and going. But, what's very cool to see is how each cycle was at a much deeper level. Each storm had less content and "stuff" and more root level dukkha (suffering). Each cycle of peace was vastly quieter and more expansive. Overall, I think this is the most conclusive result of my "lab work." Also, as far as results, I'm noticing a lot more joy, peace and contentment... and a LOT of compassion, especially for Tibet. Also, I'm feeling slightly more empowered to actually act on that compassion (less self-judgment about it)
I'm leaving for 50 days of retreat on March 15th, so I'll be back in the lab again soon. What a joy!
Hopefully that didn't put anybody's head into to much of a tail-spin (or head-spin?)
Metta from Mcleod Ganj, and thanks to everyone who has helped contribute to make it possible for me to be here practicing this work.
