"Rise To Taste The Dawn..."

"I rise to taste the dawn, and find that love alone will shine today."


- Ken Wilber

My Breakthrough Books (chronological order)

I thought for fun, I'd write a list of those books and teachers who have had huge impacts in my life and my continuing path of personal awakening. I will try to get all the big ones in there, but may miss a few. I'm sure the most important will make it on the list. I don't necessarily recommend any of these anymore, as it seems like it's as much a matter of timing as anything. They were perfect for me, where I was, at the time. I hope this doesn't come off as too much narcissistic reminiscing, but I just wanted to share these resources out of gratitude.


1985 (?)
Aikido Class
I remember bowing to the Sensei and wearing cool clothes. I loved (and still love) the Japanese aesthetic. I don't think I had any idea what I was doing, however, but the drop falls really helped me from breaking bones later when I got into skateboarding. And, I think the sense of flowing with life has stayed with me ever since.

1983-1988 (?)
Nueva Learning Center
I was blessed to go to this ahead-of-its-time school as a kid. I can't even imagine my life without it.

1998
Way of The Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman
I didn't read that many books back in those days, but this one was recommended to me by my mom, and was my first glimpse at a possible spiritual life that wasn't confined by the likes of Christianity or Science.

1999
The Tao of Physics, by Fritjof Capra
This was my first introduction to Eastern philosophy that was presented in a way that I was actually interested. (My first time hearing the Dharma.) I was simultaneously studying quantum physics at UC Berkeley, falling deeply deeply in love, and having the time of my life - the synchronicity was unbelievable and changed the entire course of my life. I think, after reading it, I called my sister and told her that I was a Buddha (psychotic delusions are always the mark of a really good book - he he). After this, I read a vast number of books from 1999 on in many different subjects that would be way too long a list to put here. None of them stand out now as particular highlights, though each one had a piece of the puzzle.

2003
10 Day Retreat, Suan Mokh, Thailand
My first real taste of silent meditation. I got into some very peaceful states, but really had no idea what these monks were going on about, with their Jhanas and Wheels of dependent origination and whatnot.

Gestalt Therapy, by Frederick S. Perls
I learned how to yell at pillows! No, actually, I just read the book (didn't actually do any therapy per se.) The book was my inspiration to stop being shy and start talking to real people in the real world (though it was something of a bumpy ride at first).

2004
Without Embarrasment (link requires parental supervision), by Mike Pilinski
It's totally embarrassing to mention this book here (if you click the link, you'll see what I mean - but don't click it at work). Ha! I mean, it's one of the cheeziest books out there, and I wouldn't really recommend it. But, out of all the dating books that I read from 2004-2006 or so, this one still stands out in my mind the most (thanks Mike!). The basic thing I got from it was to start questioning my shame. Like, I would discover a self-judgement: "I'm bad if I do xyz..." and then question "am I really bad?" It sounds simple, but it had a Profound Impact!

2007
The Authentic Man Program
I don't really know what they did, or if it really helped at all, but I do know it re-ignited the flame of my inner journey. I'm sure Decker would consider this success enough.

2008
10 Day Vipassana Course in the tradition of Sayagyi U Ba Khin and S.N. Goenka
Recommended to me by Decker and Bryan from The Authentic Man Program, my first course at the California Vipassana Center dropped a bomb on my psyche that's still sending shock waves through the Earth's crust. This really re-ignited the inner journey which started with Tao of Physics in 1999, and this time the lid blew off.

The Point of Existence by A.H. Almaas
What Goenka provided in practice, Almaas delivered in theory. For the very very very first time in my entire life, I actually considered that there might be an Absolute Truth (albeit beyond any explanation) and that therefore there might actually be... that's right... a point of existence. Not at all what I thought it'd be though. I think the meticulousness and scientific scrutiny with which the Diamond Mind books are presented actually gave me for the first time some faith that this stuff was real, and that it was well-traveled territory, and that although it's subjective and hard to describe, it is no less available for scientific discovery as any other landscape in existence. I'm not sure I would've gone on if not for this book.

Adyashanti
I found Adyashanti after first recommendation from my friend Greg, and then also from Damian (thanks guys). I really liked his down to earth descriptions of what it may mean to live the enlightened life. Again, it gave me a sense that there really was something going on here, and that it was possible.

2009
The Way to Ultimate Calm by Webu Sayadaw
The Vimuttimagga by The Arahant Upatissa
During my stay at the California Vipassana Center, I read a number of Theravada Buddhist texts, these two stand out as my favorites for extremely direct and practical teachings about meditation. And, the six month stay at CVC was a breakthrough in itself, to say the least.

Mastering The Core Teachings Of The Buddha, by Daniel Ingram
This is a profound book which is direct and to the point.

2010
Christopher Titmuss
Open Dharma
All of this is on my blog in the archives, so you guys know the story. But, I have so much love for Christopher, Jaya, Jess, Ajay, and Zohar.

I hope maybe someone gets a fresh idea for reading options or retreat options from this. If your out there reading this, I'd love to hear any breakthrough books or teachers, etc. which came at the right time and left a meaningful impact in your life. You can add it to the comment section and keep the list going!

Happy and Harmless

"We are all fellow human beings who find ourselves here in the world as it was when we were born. We find war, murder, torture, rape, domestic violence and corruption to be endemic ... we notice that it is intrinsic to the human condition ... we set out to discover why this is so. We find sadness, loneliness, sorrow, grief, depression and suicide to be a global incidence – we gather that it is also inherent to the human condition – and we want to know why. We all report to each other as to the nature of our discoveries for we are all well-meaning and seek to find a way out of this mess that we have landed in. Whether one believes in re-incarnation or not, we are all living this particular life for the very first time, and we wish to make sense of it. It is a challenge and the adventure of a life-time to enquire and to uncover, to seek and to find, to explore and to discover. All this being alive business is actually happening and we are totally involved in living it out ... whether we take the back seat or not, we are all still doing it."

"It is the most stimulating adventure of a lifetime to embark upon a voyage into one’s own psyche. Discovering the source of the Nile or climbing Mount Everest – or whatever physical venture – pales into insignificance when compared to the thrill of finding out about life, the universe, and what it is to be a human being living in the world as-it-is with people as-they-are."

- Richard

I woke up this morning thinking about harmlessness, and a wish for you out there to simply feel good about life.

I sometimes don't know what this blog is all about, but I think one hope was for it to be honest and sincere.

There are trees here, and trees very often bring me a sense of well-being. Trees tend also to be rather harmless for the most part as well.

So, I step out of my house into the cold morning air and sit, typing under the trees and the birdsongs. I look, and I am in a jungle, a green paradise teeming with life. To my left, I look through layers of leaves. Through the leaves of one tree, I see the trunk of the next. Beyond the oaks, I see the orange Madrone trunk reaching up for the sky. Beyond that, more green leaves which fade into a darker backdrop of shaded leaves in the far background - a good 50 yards away. One leave falls from the brighter layer and the contrast of bright green on dark is stunning. What amazes me is that I can't see the soil, and neither can I see sky. Beyond the farthest leaf I can see, lies only more branches trunks and leaves. It is not thick and crowded, but it's not vacant either.

I look in front of me and see a different view. Redwood trees, with their darker needles, and dark wood trunks. In this direction I can see to the ground, the soil in front of me - again about 50 yards away - is covered in decaying leaves from what seems to be a endless California season of regenerative leaf growth. Some branches cross horizontally creating a matrix of intersecting lines.

The oak tree right in front of me looks sad. It's struggling with it's health and looks stunted in it's growth. Short branches peel off of a spindly trunk. The leaves are a rich green color, and they seem to be saying "I'm not done yet."

It's cold and I wonder about the marvelous existence of temperature. To be born not only into three dimensions of space, and also time, with all it's movement, shape, form and colors, but also to have this extra thing we call temperature. Each moment reaches fullness only with it's complimentary temperature. Feeling cold, I feel alive. Feeling warm, I feel alive. In this moment, I am alive.

What would it be to live a day of life without greed, hatred, and delusion? What would it be to live a day of life without the struggle of Good vs. Evil?

What is this strange world?

An Invitation To Sit

The Redwood Grove Retreat Sanctuary is situated in the forested hills of Felton, CA. Practitioners from all traditions are welcome to come and spend time in quiet reflection or simply to enjoy the clean air and sweet bird songs in the forest.

He he....

Well, I used to live in a home that my housemates and I called The Project San Francisco Mansion. Now, why not call my home the Redwood Grove Retreat Sanctuary! Why not?! For now, it's my little retreat sanctuary, and it's paradise on Earth.

Although it's my mom's place, I am paying rent and she encouraged me to really consider it my own while I'm here. So, I turned the living room into a little meditation hall that could actually sit quite a few meditators comfortably. I don't expect any big meditation parties soon, however, as most of my friends still aren't quite as meditation obsessed as I am. But, the invitation really is open for anyone to come and join me sometime in a quiet sit (or lying on the couch or standing on your head, or however you prefer to enjoy the silence).

I've already had one guest to the house, who says "...." (yikes... I've even got testimonials?! This is funny.)

I've got another friend planning to stop in the next week or two. So, if you want a little retreat time of your own, to escape the non-stop bustle of the American Dream, send me an email.

Wake up bell is at 5:00AM (on a good day)

Cushion Report: Mind Like Honey

Waking up this morning, Day 4 of my little retreat, I notice an interesting blend of feelings inside. Something I've noticed before is a feeling of inner growth and deepening, like I'm a little bit older than when I started (and not just three days worth). That feeling's not too uncommon for me after a retreat. Sometimes it can seem like an entire lifetime passes in those few days of silence. And a lifetime of wisdom is available in those days as well. I'm not holding my breath for that feeling to last however - and wouldn't it be kind of *immature* of me if I did? he he.

I feel strangely defeated, while also refreshed and alive. Vibrant happy and awake, and also completely without hope. I would say humility and grace, although the word "humility" is overshooting it a bit. Like I said, it's an interesting blend this morning (I tried to capture the feeling in the photo to the left).

I set myself up with my last blog post, so I suppose I better have something to say about all that. As predicted, nothing went as planned. Wonderful. As I reflect on the experimental parameters, the techniques and procedures, and the overall hypothesis, I find that words aren't quite sufficient right now. In some respect, I practiced mindfulness as I set out to do, in the way that I described. But, in another respect, that seems to be only a small description of the big big picture. What I don't want to do here is be overly dramatic, though. For the most part, my days were really quite ordinary. I sat; I ate; I walked in the woods. And, I'm listening to the chanting of Anonymous 4 as I type right now, so I worry that the music might make me write in an even more dramatic tone.

What I can say is that there seems to be a very distinct shift occurring in my meditation practice. It's like a chameleon who changes to their environment, or like the way honey tastes different depending on the pollen which fed the bee. In fact, I really like that analogy right now. I think I'm experiencing the "mind like honey." (this sounds so "zen," so give me a second to get a little poetic) The mind like honey is the mind which recognizes the pollen which has given it flavor. Of course, there is a little "me" inside who would love to take credit for every flavor as though it were the master cook in a honey kitchen. But, no. Nature shapes nature. Or, at least, so it seems in this moment.

Anyway, during my six months at the California Vipassana Center, I was in a very tight container with strict rules and discipline, a schedule, a staff, a self-contained piece of land, and it was all very Buddhist. All that was allowed at the center was vipassana and the Buddhist scriptures and commentaries which supported the practice. Meditation had a more straightforward feel to it - "A" leads to "B" leads to "C." There was a path, a practice, and a goal. It was wonderful.

Once in India, meditation took on a new flavor. With the unavoidable influence of Hinduism and Indian culture in general, things took on a more mystical feel. While spending time with community, but also traveling alone on the road, there was a mixing, and an expansiveness. It was also wonderful.

Now, it seems something different is occurring here in Felton, CA. I'm not sure I can say what it is yet. In fact, I fear I'd be a bit presumptuous to even take a guess, but the influence of reliance on my own discipline, and well, just being on my own in so many ways is starting a new current within me. Of course, I have dharma talks on my computer, lots of books to read, and even lots of really great dharma brothers, sisters, and mentors to call or email if I come onto a stumbling block. But, when I come home to this little cabin, it's just me. I could walk away at anytime, and there's absolutely no rule that I can't. In fact, I can't say that I've taken on any rules or discipline in my meditation time here, but rather I've just set intentions and then gone with the flow.

So, I'm getting a little embarrassed now, writing all this, even though I haven't said that much. It seems the most tender place is inside oneself in the quiet times. I sometimes wonder why I write all this on my blog at all, and I wonder if other people wonder that too. Maybe it's best not to try to figure that one out.

The bottom line of what I'm trying to say is that I don't really have anything to say. This cushion report is just not going to be very report-ish.

It's like this: Life... to be conscious... to be a living, sentient being... composed of the same elements as the trees, the stones, the earth, the sky, the sun... to be this living creature in this strange and curious world... and then... to think!... to have this constant movement called "thought" throughout one's mind...

All of this comes together and there comes from it this word "meditation."

What is that? What is this meditation thing? Where'd it come from? I mean, which galaxy did it fall down from? How is it that consciousness decides to explore itself? And how is it that this human being has come to a place of such distortion from it's elements in the first place? How is it that the elements of life want to know themselves? And, then... quite spontaneously... they start to write about it. Pudgy little fingers strike a keyboard in a quiet room attempting to spell out the inexplicable bizarreness of being what can't possibly be but what unavoidably is.

Whew... weird. I'll just leave it at that.

All is well.

Ode to Professor Anderson

Here I am after another long weekend of work. I worked about 25 hours in two days this weekend, and it looks like soon I'll be going up to three days per week of work (as melon season begins!) So, this week I've decided to take advantage of my last chance for a while to do a full weekday personal retreat at home here in Felton. I'll start this evening, and go until Friday afternoon. I'm really appreciating the value of this time.

On Saturday in Berkeley, walking up to my cash register to buy some veggies from me was none other than Professor Anderson from UC Berkeley. He was probably my favorite professor of my entire college experience, and taught my favorite class. It was the Inorganic Chemistry Lab class. It consisted of three hour-long lectures per week and two six-hour-long laboratory periods! Nothing beats six hours straight in a Chemistry lab! Oh... heaven.

I got to share my appreciation with Professor Anderson, and joked that I was now working at an organic farm, but that an inorganic farm wouldn't make much sense. He laughed and said, "yeah... Silica wouldn't taste very good, would it."

So, I dedicate this retreat to Professor Anderson and the chem lab. And, in the spirit of going back to the lab for the next three days, I want to see if I can be a bit more scientific with my meditation experiment. The trouble is that ever since Sattal, my meditation has been even more free-form and less structured. I find it difficult to put into words. But, I'll give it a shot anyway.

I think as a foundation, I still like what the Buddha called "The one and only way to total liberation" - which is the fourfold Satipatthana (also known as Vipassana meditation). One small problem, however, is that the Buddha spoke in Pali, and for those who haven't studied Pali, it may not be as useful a description. I'm not a Pali expert by any means, but I'll attempt my own humble translation.

Satipatthana means the establishing of sati. Sati is a very profound word which gets translated usually as mindfulness or awareness (which I think fails a little short of it's full meaning). It also has a connotation of memory - but not in the sense of remembering the past, but rather of remembering the now. Remembering that I am, and remembering that I am here, and remembering that it is now. If we translate sati as wakefulness, then we could see that the Buddha really gave us a reflexive definition - "the one and only way to completely wake up is by becoming completely awake." Oh, Buddha, you crazy cat!

Vipassana means to observe things in a very true and wise way, sometimes translated as "insight" or "seeing things as they are." In my opinion, this is really the goal which every true scientist should aspire too.

But, since the words Satipatthana and Vipassana still fail to explain the actual technique, I'll quickly give the actual instructions of the Buddha. It's as simple as this...

"This is the one and only way, bhikkhus, for the purification of beings, for the overcoming of sorrow and lamentation, for the extinguishing of suffering and grief, for walking on the path of truth, for the realisation of nibbāna: that is to say, the fourfold satipatthana.

Which four? Here, monks, a monk dwells ardent with awareness and constant thorough understanding, observing body in body, having removed craving and aversion towards the world [of mind and matter]; he dwells... observing sensations in sensations... he dwells... observing mind in mind... he dwells... observing mental contents"

- Buddha, Mahasatipatthana Sutta

The meditator dwells... That is job one. Just to dwell (viharati). To live. To be.

And, as the meditator dwells, the meditator observes the whole of body, heart, and mind (kaya, vedana, citta, and dhamma) arising and passing in it's infinitely varied forms and manifestations.

And that's it. So simple. So very very simple.

I was thinking of it this morning by analogy and thought of my recent meditation experiences much like a vast ocean of existential experience. And with each passing tide, life moves through awareness - arising, and then passing away. Each moment arising and then passing away, and then the next moment arising and passing away. Awareness then, is something like a net, though it has no dimensions and no material substance. It notices all that pass through the net, as the meditator dwells.

So, I think this is the most precise description I can come up with right now for what the meditation technique is that I plan to do for the next few days. But, the word "plan" itself seems a bit misleading, and same with the word "technique." At least right now, for me, neither the word "plan" nor "technique" seems to describe well what my plan is or what my technique is. And, that's a strange contradiction that I'm just going to accept.

To put it another way, in so far as I have a plan, I feel pretty certain that I will fail. And, in so far as I feel confident in my ability to allow into the unknown, I think I might just succeed (which is to say - succeed in the continuing process of waking up). But, it won't be by any skill or technique, but rather by the good grace of Nature's inviolable law alone.

Of course, this also could just be a bunch of useless rambling, because I really can't say what will happen or what I will do. So, I may have just wasted 30 minutes writing this, and you may have wasted your time reading it. Oh well. Ce La Vie.

See you on the other side.

The Middle of Imagination

I really have no idea what the following quote means, but I like it for some reason. And, heck... Ernie sung it. Also, I don't have much else to write about right now. Life is it's usual bonanza of ups and downs. And, I'm just as foolish as ever. Enjoy...

"Here in the middle of imagination, right in the middle of my head
I close my eyes and my room's not my room, and my bed isn't really my bed.
I look inside and discover things that are sometimes strange and new
And the most remarkable thoughts i think have a way of being true.

Here in the middle of imagination, right in the middle of my mind
I close my eyes and the night isn't dark and the things that I lose, I find.
Time stands still and the night is clear and the wind is warm and fair.
And the nicest place is the middle of imagination when I'm there."

- Ernie, Sesame Street

"Meditation is..."

I didn't have much to report, so I just thought I'd post this quote that I enjoyed...

"Meditation is not a personal search for personal experience. Meditation is not the search for a transcendental experience which will give you great energy to become more mischievous. Meditation is not personal achievement sitting next to God. Meditation then is a state of mind in which the "me" is absent and therefore that very absence brings order. And that order must exist to go any further. Without that order, things become silly."
- J. Krishnamurti

Portrait Of The Artist

"An artist must possess Nature. He must identify himself with her rhythm, by efforts that will prepare the mastery which will later enable him to express himself in his own language."
- Henri Matisse

Self Portrait

More Compulsive Photoshop Mandalas

Here are the results of my compulsive photoshop fiddling. I've said it before, but never on this blog... meditation beats psychedelic drugs hands down in every way! I've never heard anyone describe to me anything they've ever done on anything (I've had friends share stories from Ahayahuasca, DMT (the poisonous toad), and a 50-dose bottle of horse tranquilizer)... none of their stories seem to top what it is to plunge the depths of consciousness completely sober. At least, that's my humble opinion.


Buddha-Space Mandala



Buddha Mandala #1



Buddha-Meditation Mandala



Peacock Mandala

Cushion Report: Not Too Easy

"Nothing is ever too easy in life - thank goodness. It's not good to have an easy life you know, no matter what they tell you. Life isn't easy. It's not meant to be easy. It's not meant to have easy answers."
- Christopher Titmuss

According to my plan for moving here to Felton, I had hoped to spend the weekdays on retreat at home. I just spent the last three days doing just that.

Overall, I'd say this experience was humbling and enlightening. Though, not enlightening in the majestic enlightened being sense... but more like it simply threw light on parts of my nature which were formerly in darkness. (And, perhaps they were in darkness for good reason.)

It was, as Christopher points out, not easy.

Being back in worldly life (job, home, etc.) I'm noticing old patterns of being that are coming back to life. Most namely is that old beast Stress. And with it comes Stress' seductive sidekick - Entertainment. This compulsive movement away from stress has come creeping back on the scene. All of this has made for quite an interesting unfolding drama.

On day 3 of my retreat, something unexpected happened. I started compulsively making art. Yes, quite compulsive. I couldn't stop myself, and I can't say it was all that pleasant either. It felt more like a desparate escape from the unknown that I was sinking into in meditation, rather than a bountiful expression of love. But, I must say that if I am going to have a compulsive vice - art is a pretty good one. Who would've thought!

I notice I've been inquiring lately into the nature of control. I must say that I quite enjoy the moments when I discover how truely out of control all of this is. Life, Me, etc. "Out of Control." - what a beautiful phrase. Even just the sound of those words seem to brighten my heart. What a full expression of what it means to be alive. Perhaps it could be said that to be alive is to be out of control. In fact, maybe that's why I seem to like mandalas so much lately. There's something so totally out of control about an intricate mandala, something that seems like it might never end. It could keep multiplying and multiplying with infinite variety.

And yet, there is also aspiration, intention, creativity, resolve... cause and effect. The patterns within the chaos. One thought can create endless heavens or endless rounds in hell (and boy, did I take a tour of some hell realms over the last couple days).

Technically speaking, my meditation remained mostly scattered for the three days. My mind didn't ever fully settle down. Likewise, there wasn't much "depth" to the exploration. But, on the flip side, I think I really got to explore some fields of experience which may have been absent over the last year of my homeless wandering - compulsion being just one of those.

Compulsion... hmmm... just a little conjecture here... it's nature is to capture us, take us away, break us of any choice or control. We become it's slave, utterly powerless. And, yet... it's whole motive is to impose control onto experience, to create and re-create the ordinary and the familiar, to keep us within the field of the known. We lose control to our own controling instinct. It kind of reminds me of operation Iraqi Freedom.

Anyway, judging by the way I'm writing, something must have opened up in me because I'm being all philosophical right now. But it definitely wasn't "how I wanted it to go" - Ha!

I'll put the rest of my compulsive art mandalas in another post.

Be well.

"The Worldly Hope men set their Hearts upon
Turns Ashes -- or it prospers; and anon,
Like Snow upon the Desert's dusty Face
Lighting a little Hour or two -- is gone."

- Omar Khayyam